I signed up for this account long ago. I only ever wrote one 'blog' and thought it would never be found. When so many people commented on it i got scared (i dont know why really (that might be a lie)) and decided not to come here anymore. i still got all of emails about groups to join and comments people had written and i was so scared people would find them i deleted most of the emails. i'm still scared people will find them but thats not the reason i'm writing.

i'm writing because as up until recently i though i was all good. i stopped hurting myself (for the most part with some minor relapses), everything was going pretty good at my work, im just about to start uni and everything is brilliant with all of my friends. in fact i dont think ive ever been closer to them. actually last week in a moment of weakness (i call it weakness because i now regret it) i told my closest friend where exactly my blade was so he could dispose of it. the reason im writing now is that today actually about an hour ago as i was driving home from work i had a terrible thought (not about cutting my leg i get those urges a lot) but i had the suddent impulse to run the light that was turning red straight into traffic and as my father would try to stop me and ask me what i was doing i would say maybe i have a death wish and then it would be over. as soon as i begun to think it i realised how wrong it was. how sick too especially because my dad was in the car butit was still there. i thought it was all over but it is still there. some please help because i cant have these thoughts anymore. even saying them here feels sick and wrong.