I just wanted to say first and foremost how genuinely glad i am that i have this website in my life. few i’ve told think that i am hurting myself by being here, and that being on this website makes me more depressed than i am, and induces me to feeling bad emotions so i can blog about it. it hurts to know that people think this way, but i have begun to realise that i am doing this for myself, and that opinions don’t matter when it comes to what makes me happy and what makes me feel better every time i’m down. writing is a passion of mine and i really wouldn’t have this any other way. i mean, if i wasn’t here, i would probably be having all the emotion i had inside these past few months stuck in my mind, and hurting even more because there is no way out for them.
Last night my boyfriend told me a couple of things that really hurt me. You see, he is in an engineering program in University-and his days are usually filled with stress and long hours of work plus work outside of school he dedicated much to. him and i, we have a strong relationship in which we are in constant contact, despite his busy schedule. because our days are long filled, the nights are usually dedicated to me and him spending time together and just connecting as a couple. Yesterday, he failed to do so, and i found him instead doing his work and studying hard. I know i have a weak position for whining over this, but i got mad because i felt he couldn;t even take out a minute for me in his day. I got upset. I confronted him of being unable to even spend time with me lately, and that it didnt matter if we spent the whole night talking, that i just wanted a few minutes per day from him-because i need it. as i told him this, he told me his life was much harder than mine. he said that his engineering program requires him to work very hard, and that my program (biology) was much easier, and the actual reason why i felt lonely was because i had time on my hands. because i had nothing else to do. because engineering is a graduate program and mine is undergraduate, and therefore, we are different because his life is harder than mine. harder. That i need to understand we can’t talk much anymore because I was the one who wanted him to become something anyways, and therefore, this is partially my fault that we aren’t talking much anymore. That the reason he works so hard now is because he wasted time talking to me before, and that got him behind. because i have nothing else to do. because i feel like i need to waste him time since i waste my own. because i do. i guess.
i just want to say, even though you are not reading this, that my life is really, really hard. I struggle each and every single day not only with the fact that i am mentally unstable, but that i am an entire year behind in university, and that i why i have "so much time" on my hands. that because i am a year behind, doesn’t mean my degree is easy. i find myself working extremely hard and harder than others because all in my mind, unfortunately, is death. because i am struggling on doing well in something i think is difficult. but it hurt a lot when you said that. because it made me feel even worse about it. you didn’t realise that did you, that you hurt me when you said that? that it made me feel worthless? that just because you think your degree is hard, you can put me down and say mine is easy? since when is studying calculus, chemistry and tons of biology easy? but i don’t want to blame, because i don’t want to stoop down and make others hurt. i would know better than that, because i myself am hurting, and wouldnt hurt anyone else.
my life is easy. my life is easy.