i use you guys as my personal diary.

but anyway, so, i don't even know right now. the littlest things upset me. right now i'm crying because my boyfriend didn't want to go upstairs to get the charger so i could listen to the white noise on the phone so i could actually fall asleep for once. it made me cry because all i could think was, "when i'm sick, i go all the way downstairs so i can talk on the xbox to you even though i don't want to but because you ask me to i do. but i asked you today if you could get me a soda because i was tired of getting up and getting cold but you said no, and so i got it myself and you had me get you pringles while i was up. i should have made you get the pringles yourself because you wouldn't get me my soda, but i didn't want to make you mad at me. and i should stop making myself hurt worse to go downstairs to talk on an xbox where i'm really uncomfortable in the chair and i get really cold and when i'm sick, it's farther away from the bathroom but i do it anyway and i don't want you to think i don't want to talk to you or watch netflix with you. but then you go and won't do this or that for me when i do all this stuff for you."

but then i'm all confused, because my mind counters all this with, "but when i'm on my period he'll rub my tummy and make me soup and watch whatever i want to watch, even if it's something like land before time." and all the other little things he does for me.

but then my mind goes, "but then i give him really long massages even though it makes my hands hurt really bad (and gets mad if i don't want to because it makes my hands hurt when he is hurting/sore) but when he gives me massages he does it in like, five/ten minutes."

and my mind just battles back and forth, and i don't ever know what to do. so generally i just don't tell him those things because i'm afraid of what will happen, i suppose. i suppose i'm more afraid of him being mad that i would ever think such things or think that he doesn't love me enough or so his love enough or something along those lines. that is what he would think if i told him. he would take it as i think he doesn't love me or doesn't love me enough or doesn't show it enough or stuff like that.

i just don't know. i really don't. and my shoulder is flaring up again. which reminds me, guys, do you have any clue what could be wrong with my shoulder? last year, i was picking up my purse and i guess i moved my shoulder wrong because i had a sharp, stabbing pain for about half an hour. and then it went away. but ever since then, just randomly i've gotten pain in the same spot. i'm never doing anything when it comes. i weight lift every day for school just fine, can move it whichever way, but if i'm just standing there or laying there, it'll randomly start to hurt. and it doesn't come every day. sometimes i don't hurt for a month, or sometimes a week, or sometimes i don't hurt for a few days at a time. it's completely random. i've been trying to track a pattern and there is none. on the days it hurts i haven't done anything different than any other day or felt any different way or anything like that. and the pain isn't always the same. sometimes it's a sharp, stabbing pain that stays for five minutes, or sometimes that type of pain stays for half an hour. once, recently, i had a sharp, stabbing pain for two days, but it once again went away right before my mom was going to take me to the doctor but since it went away she wouldn't. other times, like right now, it's a dull ache, where i don't really hurt all that much, it's just rather annoying. those times it generally comes and goes for a few minutes to ten minutes each, but a couple times in an hour. and then it goes away again for however long until the next time my shoulder hurts. has anybody had anything like this? my teacher put my down for the athletic trainer in my school, so maybe she'll be able to help. i'd just like to have an idea of what it could be. i don't like not knowing.

over and out.