Hey. I'm back.

First, I'd like to apologize for whatever I subjected you to reading when I was 14. My feelings were valid, but poorly articulated, and I sounded a bit like a know-it-all.

Well, I'm still a know-it-all, but at 20 years old, I'm a lot more subtle about it. Sometimes. not really.

My last post was in… October of 2008. I honestly can't remember much of that except telling you that on May 29, 2009 (my 15th birthday), I had to sit with my mother and the psychiatrist and explain to the both of them that I really, really, really wanted to kill myself. There was a lot of tears shed and a lot of fear. I got two birthday presents that year. 100 mg Wellbutrin from the psychiatrist, and a 10 megapixel digital camera from my mom. So that was pretty cool, I guess.

I mellowed out and things were "back to normal", as normal can get for me, anyway. For the most part. I suffered through high school like most people do. Zoom to fall 2012. I got into some colleges, I moved from the west coast to the east coast, and now I'm here majoring in a communications-related major. I face a dilemma. I know… know, know, know, absolutely know, that I do not need to be in upstate New York. The grey weather, the crappy people, the overall load of bullshit and debt that comes with going to college… I'd rather do without. It makes me absolutely miserable and seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is absolutely real and don't let anybody tell you any differently. But… I love my major and my supposed career path that I'm set to follow after graduation. So I'm staying.

I'm trading in my sanity and mental health for a piece of paper I'm going to eventually end up paying a quarter of a million dollars for. Maybe I wasn't all that sane to start with.

That was background information. Now. The current problem is, back in… October 2013, lets say, I went completely cold turkey off of the Wellbutrin. Like, I wasn't taking it at all. The doctor said if I'm going to drink, then don't take the wellbutrin that day because it'd have adverse effects. Well, i was drinking everyday (college!), so I didn't take it -any- day. And didn't bother getting back on schedule once I realized that ruining my liver wasn't as much fun as the college movies made it seem.

We fast forward to February 2014. I'm REALLY starting to feel the effects of withdrawing from the Wellbutrin, and depression had set in before I'd realized it. My paternal grandma dies. This doesn't bother be, because she would have been 87 this year and she lived a long life. The problem is, my family that is all the way back in California didn't feel the need to tell me anything about this because I'm in New York, y'know, trying to get an education and better position myself for the future. God Forbid.

So, any news I find out about my grandmother is through text messages from a 16 year old and various Facebook and Instagram posts (including a picture of my grandma on her deathbed, which was particularly upsetting). So at this point, I couldn't even mourn my grandmother's death because I'm so angry at my family for the way that they're handling this situation.

Anger + Depression… never a good combination for me.

My mental health has completely deteriorated. As obnoxious as I was at 14, I also felt alone, suicidal, and scared. At 20 years old, I feel alone, suicidal, and scared. I've never been one to make many friends. To me, friendship is a privelege and it is to be earned mutually. In total, I have maybe 7 or 8 friends in the entire United States. Everyone else is an acquaintance. 2 of those friends are here at school with me, and I can't bear to let them know about how I'm feeling, because as the kids say, "we ain't cool like that."

So, I'm alone in New York with no insurance (no doctor, no therapy, no psychiatrist.. that's all back in California), no friends to talk to about how I'm feeling, no family and only able to contact my psychiatrist by email… I'm in a bit of a pickle.

Speaking of the psychiatrist, he put me back on the medicine. Duh. But instead of 100 mg, he wants me to take 300. I'm hesitant, because when I first started the medicine on 200 mg in 2009, I experienced what I now know to be a completely destructive manic episode. It was absolutely dreadful and I hope I never have to go through it again. So… why would I go back to that, especially when i'm 3000 miles away from my provider? I don't understand his logic, but I'll do it… no one can say I didn't follow doctor's orders, and now that I know what it's like to -not- be depressed, I really freakin' hate being depressed. So if he says 300 mg, then I'll do 300 mg… for now. I also take 25-100 mg of trazodone at night as needed for sleep (it's also an anti-depressant. Whoopee). And if this 300 mg trial of Wellbutrin doesn't work out, then when I fly home for the summer, then he'll just "throw another medicine on top of the Wellbutrin. Easy!" …let's see how easy.

Currently in my pill box is:

• 2000 mcg biotin
• Women's multivitamin
• 200 mg Wellbutrin (to be upped to 300 mg next Sunday)
• 400 IU Vitamin E
• 2000 mg Fish Oil (dr's orders, as aparently, Omega 3's are "studied to be mood protective." His words, not mine)
• Whatever birth control I have laying around. Y'know. Lady stuff.

I just feel terrible having to take all of these pills to even be well enough to function and want to get out bed in the morning. I wish I didn't have to take any Wellbutrin, or fish oil, or trazodone, or anything else to make me operate and function like a normal person. But at this point.. what can I do?

I will say, that this town and this school environment are making me so miserable, and has done so for 2 years, that I'm very seriously considering taking a semester off. Especially now that we're going to be tampering with my medicine and dosages over the summer, the last thing I need to have is another episode. I'm in the thick of one now and it's affecting my school work and what little I did have of a social life horribly. I still want to complete coursework, whether it's online with my university or whether it's with a local community college, but I seriously feel that I need to leave New York for a prolonged period of time to get myself together and mentally healthy again.

I'm sure that the order of this makes no sense, but I'm glad to have been able to get this out. I wish I had people to talk to in my life. But that's okay. This site, from past experiences, has always been extremely helpful and kind and I hope to have the same experience again.

PS, forgive my ridiculous nickname. I was 14, and uninformed. lol