Another weekend has passed. Another two days i made it without medications. I find myself thinking more clearly when I am alone. The thoughts running through my head, when I was happier (with pills), I guess I never noticed the people around me, like when I am in a crowded place (stores/work). I guess when I was happier I didn't really care what others thought of me.

Now coming off my happy pills, going out to public places becomes much more difficult. Its like having this wierd feeling that when you are sad, you dont smile, all your problems are writeen on your face so everyone can see whats wrong with you. On top of that those same people walk around you. I guess I really noticed this. I guess I am saying this is because I was out walking around at the Folsom Flee Market on Saturday. I didn't go until aroudn 10:30am (the time things get super busy). There are soo many poeple there just walking around and staring at you. They dont smile at you but they didn't look too happy to see you either. I was very difficult to walk while having my gaze fixated to the ground as I tend to run into poeple. I wish I could just avoid the flee market but I absolutely love that flee market because there is one vendor who has a shop inside a building. This guy sells nothing but movies (used DvDs for 2 dollars) and classic assorted video games. I know exactly why I know this place because this guy sells classic Nintendo/Super Nintendo Cartridges and accessories. I am only fixated on happy memorys as I remember growing up with what little friends I had just relaxing and playing these video games.

This feeling is like those who wish how they could travel back in time and the closest thing that poeple can get is to go back to a place that brings back nostalgic feelings. I know its false but its like taking a happy pill.

Once in a blue moon i do manage to find a classic cartridge i do not have. Anyways I am still alive and continuing my life. Oh I did notice flyers while I was at the flee market about a new treatment for depression. When I get to the end point (despair/hopelessness) I will try this electromagnetic pulse to stimulate the brain. It sounds all wierd to me now. I think I better do research or wait till results (a few years worth results) to be published.

Anyways Happy holidays to those that get the day off, my day still continues with work.

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