Its been a year and almost five months since I was diagnosed with Major Depression. I didn't agree with the doctor. I view someone who is major depressed as someone who lays in bed all day, can't functions, on butt loads of meds, and on the verge of suicide. I have never viewed myself that way. I have functioned for over 25 years with my life and my emotions as there were. I was coping. And personally I thought I was coping just fine.
My marriage wasn't though. My marriage was on the verge of total destruction.
For 16 years of marriage we lived, not a lie persay, but I guess we functioned. We functioned as a couple and as parents, but did not love completely as a married couple should.
I had made myself a promise based on passed relationships that I would not give up, I would not be the one to leave our relationship. But all of 2011, thats all I thought about. Giving up!
It would be so much easier to give up and walk away than to deal with the hurt, pain, and emotions that I was feeling. There were days that I didn't want to move out of bed. Days I didn't want to look, speak, or be looked at or spoken to! I started to hate my husband. Even on a good day I still felt distant. I was pass unhappy. I was miserable.
I finally told him that I have not happy and that I needed help. That was a big step for me because I do pride myself as a person who can figure anything out, who always has the answers, and who is self sufficient. How dare I not be able to fix me! I was angry, but I knew that I wanted to be happy and that I didn't want my children to see me any different than what they knew me to be.
Faithfully I took my meds for 365 days. I have accepted my diagnosis as someone who suffers with major depression, but I refuse to not fight for my mental health, my well being, my marriage, my children.