Its been a year and almost five months since I was diagnosed with Major Depression. I didn't agree with the doctor. I view someone who is major depressed as someone who lays in bed all day, can't functions, on butt loads of meds, and on the verge of suicide. I have never viewed myself that way. I have functioned for over 25 years with my life and my emotions as there were. I was coping. And personally I thought I was coping just fine.

My marriage wasn't though. My marriage was on the verge of total destruction.

For 16 years of marriage we lived, not a lie persay, but I guess we functioned. We functioned as a couple and as parents, but did not love completely as a married couple should.

I had made myself a promise based on passed relationships that I would not give up, I would not be the one to leave our relationship. But all of 2011, thats all I thought about. Giving up!

It would be so much easier to give up and walk away than to deal with the hurt, pain, and emotions that I was feeling. There were days that I didn't want to move out of bed. Days I didn't want to look, speak, or be looked at or spoken to! I started to hate my husband. Even on a good day I still felt distant. I was pass unhappy. I was miserable.

I finally told him that I have not happy and that I needed help. That was a big step for me because I do pride myself as a person who can figure anything out, who always has the answers, and who is self sufficient. How dare I not be able to fix me! I was angry, but I knew that I wanted to be happy and that I didn't want my children to see me any different than what they knew me to be.

Faithfully I took my meds for 365 days. I have accepted my diagnosis as someone who suffers with major depression, but I refuse to not fight for my mental health, my well being, my marriage, my children.

1 Comment
  1. Andie372 9 years ago

     You have a strong will and your desire to fight is commendable.  People have sterotypes about what depression is.  Most of us suffer similar things but depression affects us in a personal way, too.  I went through a period of time when I was unhappy with my husband, but it was really myself I was unhappy with.  Fortunately for me, he stuck with me through the bad time.  Our 20 year anniversay is in June.  You can get through this, and if your meds arent' working, maybe it's time for a different med.  I would suggest calling your doctor.

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