I'm coping a little better today. I talked with my husband for about an hour last night, and tried applying some logic and empathy of my Mom's situation into what she said to me the other day. Aaron had also dragged me out of the house and made me walk on the shoreline with him, with actually helped a great deal. He knows me so well, and loves me so much. He IS a gem. But anyhow, my mother's life has always been hard. She's never been able to trust or depend on the men in her life. My father couldn't hold a job to save his life and was lazy and cheated on her numerous times (she left him when I was less than a year old), then another boyfriend 6 years later was kind and funny but a deadbeat and expected her to pay for everything, including the food he ate every night at our home. Then she started dating my step-dad, and he was an alcoholic, (emotionally abusive), lied and manipulated her about anything that dealt with "their" finances (ha ~ he never shared anything, everything was always "yours vs. mine"), and when he died he left her with no life insurance benefits to ensure that she could afford to stay in her home. Because of his selfishness and thoughtlessness; we are all living together trying to scrape by. We can't afford to live by ourselves (my husband, son and I), and my Mom can't make it on what she makes to be able to pay the mortgage and the bills).

So I talked with her this morning about her comment and why it bothered me so much. And I realized something ~ she's jealous and envious of me! I almost have to laugh, except it's so sad. She's never been able to depend upon a significant other to take care of her. There hasn't been a time in her life that she hasn't had to bust her butt to make ends meet and raise me. There was never any left-over money to spend on her.

I get it now.

I'm calmer, and things are less tense in the household now. I have to go to school tonight, which I'm NOT looking forward to, but only a few more weeks until it's done. I'm counting down and gritting my teeth. May 6th is my final exam…if I can just make it until then…..