I just want to get over K for once and for all. I texted him yesterday to see how he is and he ignored me. I know he's through with our little reunion which only lasted 2 times… I know he is done with me, I'm not what he wants. I was just there on nights when he happened to have noone else. That is rare for him. He doesn't care about me, not even as a friend. I have to let it go before it really kills me for real.
I am so tired of being alone and depressed and I know I will never meet anyone, I have to get over that dream also. I need to realize that love and companionship are not for me. The people I loved did not love or want me back and the people who wanted me I just simply didn't have those feelings for. Maybe it's no ones fault, or maybe just mine, but either way I have to get over it for good.
The increase in meds is making me dizzy and it gets worse with caffeine and alcohol which I still drink a lot of anyway. I just want to feel good enough to get out of bed and for a couple of days that seemed to be working, but now I just want to sleep again. I don't know how to balance anything. The step work out eventhough I'm doing it myself (not taking a class) is boring and 5 minutes and I am tired. I don't know what I'm gonna do about my weight either. I am so upset about everything. Being ignored by people not just K, being hurt over and over again… I just want to not exist. There's nothing in this life for me, especially not anymore. I can't find any happiness and I'm constantly alone.