When I was about 15, I was put on Zoloft for Depression. I had been bullied so badly in school that I just couldn't stop crying some days. I still remember overhearing my Mom on the phone with my Gram, telling her about all the crap I was going through and commenting, "She cries at the drop of a hat."

I began crying when I heard her say that. >.< I wasn't offended, I dunno, I just cried, because, I guess it hurt that I was so depressed that it was that obvious.

Anyways, I didn't like taking Zoloft because I felt that it wasn't my fault that I was depressed, that the underlying problem was that, well, a lot of teenagers in middle school and high school suck and have no comprehension of what they are doing to people when they verbally abuse them. Not only do they not comprehend it but they don't give a damn anyways.

My parents didn't really care. They aren't "new age", if you will. They don't believe in therapy and make it sound like something threatening which is why I'm still rather closed off even today. So I was never taken to talk to someone because I think my parents, my Mom in particular, believes that talking to a therapist = being nuts. Even today, if I happen to talk to a counselor, I have to make it sound non-medical and sort of like I'm just getting advice from an adult because I'm 300 miles away from my own parents. Back then, it was bad enough that I was on Zoloft, that was a sure sign for them that I was effed up.

Later on, when I was 19 or 20, I was put on Lexapro after I began having anxiety attacks. As it turns out, I probably had my first anxiety attack when I was 13 but it was never diagnosed as such and I, myself, wrote it off as being scared of being bullied.

I had been experiencing anxious episodes all throughout the day back when I was on Lexapro. In class, walking back from class, sitting in my room, going to get food, etc.. I was just always wound up tighter than a spring. Let me mention, here, that my parents tend to be wound pretty tightly and my Gram has the nervous habit of picking at her fingernail…very loudly and obsessively…so it's not like being tense isn't part of my genetics, I'm kind of doomed in that respect.

Today, I get anxious when I think of school, when I think of my health, when it gets late at night, etc.. There are obvious triggers and the worst, absolute worst time for this to occur is at night, when I am attempting to sleep.

My boyfriend gets worked up quite a bit as well. Instead of being put on something permanent though, he was given Xanax and used to take it when he got really upset. The last time I went to visit him, I had a bad anxiety attack on my way to the airport because I didn't want to leave him. I was bawling and it was hard to breathe and I felt sick. He gave me a Xanax and told me to take it right before getting on the plane if I couldn't calm down.

So right before getting on, I took it. I didn't think it'd work what with how upset I was and how small his dosage was. But no more than 15 or 20 minutes after getting on the plane, I calmed down. I wasn't upset, I was clear, cool, calm, and collected. I just sat there…and slowly nodded off which was absolutely wonderful because it was an overnight flight.

This brings me to my question…why can I not get something short term as well? I'm not bad all the time but my level of tension certainly isn't normal when I finally get going. I don't want to live on medication every single day of my life but sometimes, at night, I just want to sleep so badly. I want to go to bed, I don't want to sit up pacing or crying or overthinking everything. Is it even normal to ask for short term over long term? Should I, when I go back to school, mention this or should I just let the doctor there tell me what he thinks and accept it?


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