Honestly I don't know why I even bothered getting out of bed today. I am in one of those, everybody hates me, no one wants me around, kind of moods. This is the type of mood where no matter how many times Gavin tells me he loves me, I am sure that he doesn't and is ready to walk out on me at any give moment.
I tell myself that these thoughts and feelings aren't real, that its just me being down in the dumps but seriously, when I think about it, I can't think of any reason why anyone would want to be with me. It makes more sense that everyone would hate me. I think my family just tolerates my presence because they are, well, they are family so what else can they do? I don't know why Gavin stays with me, he could find someone much better than me. Someone that treats him better, that isn't completely nuts. Even my kids deserve a better father. I am a terrible father. I have no patience, no energy or motivation. My 15 year old got up today and made breakfast for everyone because I didn't want to get out of bed. Gavin finally forceably dragged me out of bed and made me take a shower and get dressed. I really didn't give a crap whether I got up, showered, shaved or anything. It's like whats the point? I come out in the living room and all I have to look forward to is a messy house, screaming kids, a dwindling food supply and kids getting pissed off because they want snacks that we don't have. Sorry but I am not going to run out and bu chocolate milk and cookies and donuts when they don't even eat the good stuff that I make them. I am not about to just feed them junk food. Last night I made beef and noodles with creamed corn, and sliced pears for desert and they didn't eat anything at all, seriously nothing! Then they whine around that they are hungry and they want cake and crap like that. Well sorry but we don't have any and I am not wasting the money to buy it. I have to pay out a crap load of cash to get my breaks fixed so that takes precedence over cake and cookies and crap. I haven't had a cigarette in like 5 days and that has me on edge, there is no pop left so I have been drinking a crap load of coffee to get my caffeine buz. My 5 year old is terrorizing the cat. The poor thing goes under the desk to get away from him and he climbs under my chair and drags that cat out so I yelled at him and told him to leave the kitty alone. It's like I can't have a moments peace, I can't just sit and relax without some type of commotion or someone screaming or crying or a kid climbing under my chair or hanging on the back of it. I feel so overwhelmed and so frustrated. I can't even get through to any of these stupid agencies that offer respite care or other services for MRDD. Gavin gets a break from the kids when he goes to work but I can't even get that. Alex is only doing half a day in kindergarten now so I have to pic him up at 11:30 am and then I have him the rest of the day. So I get maybe 2 and a half hours to myself Monday through Friday, as long as its not a snow day or a holiday. Yesterday there was no school because of fair day so I am little more agitated this weekend at having the kids all day Friday then today and Sunday. I literally can not wait until Monday. It's not that I don't love my kids, I just need time to myself without them being in my face all day long. If they were like typical kids it wouldn't be a problem, but my 7 year old has the mentality of a 4 year old. She still wears diapers, she can't speak so she screams and grunts all the time. It's hard to really know what she wants or needs and then when you don't meet her needs fast enough she will have an all out hissy ft. My 5 year old is so hyper active that he tares my house apart and I can't always keep him out of things because I have to constantly be attending to my daughter. She can't dress herself, she can't go potty on her own or bathe herself. She has seizures. Sometimes she even needs to be fed because she will forget how to feed herself. She falls all the time and screams over that, she will bash her head into the walls…I just really need help dealing with these kids. My 15 year old helps me out a lot but he needs time to be a teenager and not have to always be here helping with his younger siblings. If it weren't raining today I could take them to the park and let them run wild but that's out now. I wish Gavin would leave me the car when he goes to work so that I could take the kids to a movie or something but he needs the car in case he has to run errands for his job. It's a no win situation right now. I need my van back up and running. I feel like I am trapped with no way out. Can't even walk anywhere or ride a bike because of the rain. I may go sit on the porch after a bit just for some fresh air. It' just a sucky day.