I started to write a blog this morning and talk about how wonderful my birthday was, or how I currently had felt. Now I just feel stupid. Let me explain, my mom took me shopping and said I could buy a few things. I didn't have much luck in the store so she suggested I go online and see if they have what I was looking for. I told her I found a skirt I wanted but she just managed to make me feel stupid for wanting it. It wasn't a mini skirt or anything. I thought I could wear it to church and for special occasions. I feel so ugly and small…I guess my birthday celebration was just another reason to drink. I noticed as we ate at the restaurant, she began to chill out I guess. I guess I am again asking for too much. My dad just seemed to go right along with her goofy behavior. Maybe I am too serious, maybe I need to "let my hair down."
What does any of this matter? Who gives a s***, besides me obviously. I woke up in such a good mood yesterday and Saturday (when we began shopping).
Myparents made a video for me, or rather my dad did. It was beautiful but yet I felt like my mom was only half there. I feel like every time I let their drinking affects me, it's like taking a punch. I guess I am just a punching bag.
I felt so loved for a few precious hours yesterday…all of those feelings of love are gone. It's just me and my pathetic attempt to purge my feelings.
I feel so worthless, put down and ugly…I guess I will go stuff my head in my pillow and cry like a baby.