I’m finding it hard to hang on everyday as my life completely hit rock bottom there is only one other thing that could make things worse and that would-be confirmation of HIV to where my outcome is unknown. I have failed my son I betrayed him and my wife. I wasn’t strong enough for either and I let my own selfish desires creep in and take over like a cancer growing inside with every symptom and warning sign ignored I completely gave in out of selfishness, lust, and desire. I swear there were signs that have been flashing in my head telling me to turn away but I was fixed unable or unwilling to deflect the dangerous activity that was about to change my life literally.
I’m no longer the person I was I can’t bring a smile to my face without feeling shame or guilt and I can’t watch my child play or tell me he loves me through the phone knowing that I chose myself over him and his mom. It is hard to wake up and I hardly eat any food as it is hard to stomach I can get away with drinking a bottle of water and a half a meal a day if I’m lucky. My co-workers have noticed a severe change in me and are starting to ask me questions also I feel like there is talk amongst themselves that I’m not in my right mind possibly I won’t ever be again. There are moments I feel like I can overcome that, trying to find myself was what I was doing but at what cost? why was I willing to go to lengths that will destroy my family and my life to figure out what I wanted? I’d ask for forgiveness but my family deserves happiness, my suffering is my own doing and a burden I’ll carry alone forever.