I’m finding it hard to hang on everyday as my life completely hit rock bottom there is only one other thing that could make things worse and that would-be confirmation of HIV to where my outcome is unknown.  I have failed my son I betrayed him and my wife.  I wasn’t strong enough for either and I let my own selfish desires creep in and take over like a cancer growing inside with every symptom and warning sign ignored I completely gave in out of selfishness, lust, and desire.  I swear there were signs that have been flashing in my head telling me to turn away but I was fixed unable or unwilling to deflect the dangerous activity that was about to change my life literally.

I’m no longer the person I was I can’t bring a smile to my face without feeling shame or guilt and I can’t watch my child play or tell me he loves me through the phone knowing that I chose myself over him and his mom.  It is hard to wake up and I hardly eat any food as it is hard to stomach I can get away with drinking a bottle of water and a half a meal a day if I’m lucky.  My co-workers have noticed a severe change in me and are starting to ask me questions also I feel like there is talk amongst themselves that I’m not in my right mind possibly I won’t ever be again.  There are moments I feel like I can overcome that, trying to find myself was what I was doing but at what cost?  why was I willing to go to lengths that will destroy my family and my life to figure out what I wanted? I’d ask for forgiveness but my family deserves happiness, my suffering is my own doing and a burden I’ll carry alone forever.

1 Comment
  1. bridgie101 4 years ago

    I’m going to be callous and say: what they don’t know can’t hurt them. And that’s true. You’re coming to the right conclusion: not to say.

    You feel bad, you made a blue, but you’re not wrecking their lives for it. That’s as it should be. That’s the right thing to do.

    But also there is another right thing to do here; and that’s not carry the guilt. You carrying guilt is going to cause problems in your marriage. All it will take is a marital argument where the wife says ‘is there something you’re not telling me?’ and due to your guilty conscience, your mind will flit to the secret that must be kept, and entirely fail to notice the actual genuine thing in the situation you could be mentioning.

    It’s almost like you’re going to need hypnotherapy to forget what you have done. But you don’t want to forget, because you don’t want to repeat.

    Do you. :p

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