Today I feel really anxious because I'm thinking about a lot of things that are on my mind. Some of the biggest ones are how I was kept in a hospital for 11 days against my will because I felt suicidial. I didn't really like it at all there and it made me feel trapped. The people there were very mean to me and treated me like I was at some boot camp. It sucked to go there and I never want to go back. Some other things that made me hate it so much was that I got hauled away by some security guards after trying to choke myself out with a telephone cord so they would let me go home. Instead, they put me in a security room, and decided to lock me up.
The next day, I decided to kick a door open and broke a pencil sharpener which also got me put back in the isolation unit. All of this was caused because I was going crazy off some medication I was on. I was so mad at my parents for putting me through all this, and I almost got sent to an institution for 8 months of my life. Although I don't blame everyone, I feel like a lot of things I was anxious about at the time were the fault of many other people.
The thing that is bothering me today is that I have never understood the logic behind how we treat people with OCD like myself, by locking them up in hospitals and putting them through a "program" to help them. I came out of the hospital even more suicidal, just with helpful medication. I'm lucky I didn't decide to kill myself the day I got out. It all scared the hell out of me and I was told I would only be in the hospital for 2 days, but they decided to keep me for 11 days in the behavioral health adolescent unit for my OCD condition. I'm so OCD that I can't even go to the grocery store without worrying, or even use the bathroom. You name it, I can involve my OCD'ness in whatever I do in life somehow. It is enough that I lose sleep over it, I get irritated at the ones I love, I get mad at friends, and quite honestly I feel hopeless. I'm on so much medication for OCD that it looks like a giant pharmacy in my bedroom and it has hardly helped.
All I want to do is get better, but I don't know if that will/can ever happen for me. I feel like a lost cause to this world. I have nearly a 3.6 G.P.A. in high school, want to grow up to be a doctor, have had great testing scores, great ambitions and everything, but have been on the verge of taking my life so many times that I feel as if I don't deserve the right to be here. I think about hurting myself still all the time, and or taking out ALL my pain on my loved ones and family members/friends.