Today I feel really anxious because I'm thinking about a lot of things that are on my mind. Some of the biggest ones are how I was kept in a hospital for 11 days against my will because I felt suicidial. I didn't really like it at all there and it made me feel trapped. The people there were very mean to me and treated me like I was at some boot camp. It sucked to go there and I never want to go back. Some other things that made me hate it so much was that I got hauled away by some security guards after trying to choke myself out with a telephone cord so they would let me go home. Instead, they put me in a security room, and decided to lock me up.

The next day, I decided to kick a door open and broke a pencil sharpener which also got me put back in the isolation unit. All of this was caused because I was going crazy off some medication I was on. I was so mad at my parents for putting me through all this, and I almost got sent to an institution for 8 months of my life. Although I don't blame everyone, I feel like a lot of things I was anxious about at the time were the fault of many other people.

The thing that is bothering me today is that I have never understood the logic behind how we treat people with OCD like myself, by locking them up in hospitals and putting them through a "program" to help them. I came out of the hospital even more suicidal, just with helpful medication. I'm lucky I didn't decide to kill myself the day I got out. It all scared the hell out of me and I was told I would only be in the hospital for 2 days, but they decided to keep me for 11 days in the behavioral health adolescent unit for my OCD condition. I'm so OCD that I can't even go to the grocery store without worrying, or even use the bathroom. You name it, I can involve my OCD'ness in whatever I do in life somehow. It is enough that I lose sleep over it, I get irritated at the ones I love, I get mad at friends, and quite honestly I feel hopeless. I'm on so much medication for OCD that it looks like a giant pharmacy in my bedroom and it has hardly helped.

All I want to do is get better, but I don't know if that will/can ever happen for me. I feel like a lost cause to this world. I have nearly a 3.6 G.P.A. in high school, want to grow up to be a doctor, have had great testing scores, great ambitions and everything, but have been on the verge of taking my life so many times that I feel as if I don't deserve the right to be here. I think about hurting myself still all the time, and or taking out ALL my pain on my loved ones and family members/friends.

3 Comments
  1. JakeHayes 7 years ago

    thanks man

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  2. telknit23 7 years ago

    That's a terrible thing to have gone through.  I think sometimes when a patient is suicidal and/or combative, they lose all perspective and think only about control.  Meanwhile, you are stuck with a lot of anger plus still dealing with the ocd and other issues.  As far as the pharmacy in your room, if the drugs are helping, it's a good thing.  Embarassing to look at, but anything that helps is to be appreciated.  If they aren't helping, then maybe it's time to talk to the doc (more fun for you).  And it sounds as though you could use a good therapist — emphasis on the "good".  Or use some of the books people on here recommend (Brain Lock and OCD Workbook among others).  Anyway, that's probably more advice than you actually want.   I hope you start to feel better soon.

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  3. nintendor0ck3t 7 years ago

    If you ever go to a mental hospital or just need a therapist, ALWAYS CHOOSE PINE REST!!! If you have control over where you go, Pine Rest has the best services & therapists!

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