Erm okay so this is a completly new thing for me, i've never blogged before, here it goes.

i've been suffering with depression on and off for about 6 years now. Wow I didnt even realise how long it had been till I just wrote that. I'm probably not the most depressed person youll ever meet, but for me, it's getting too much to cope with. When I was 14 i attempted suicide, overdose naturally, I dont even think I knew what was going on in my head at that time. I had tried for a while to get hold of a gun, thats originally how i wanted to do it, but obviously impossible to get hold of. i thought about trains, but then even thinking about putting other people through that made me feel awful.ill admit i was too scared to cut my wrists, at this point i had never self harmed. you know what, the night it happened it was even planned. thinking back now i rememeber never actually planning to take an overdose, it literally just happened. I was addicted to cocodimal for a long time, i was convinced if i didnt take a few before bed i wouldnt be able to sleep. so that night, a normal night, not so much a normal day i guess. i had been talking to some guy, really got along, really liked him. I had been round his that morning, things happened, i was still a virgin, and he basically tried having sex with me without asking. not in a forceful way but it shook me up. i left and walked home, rung my best friend crying, the usual. so anyway when i got into bed that night and took my cocodimal, i sat there and stared at the packet. With my mind completely blank i took another, then another. Im not lying when i say my mind was literally blank, i wasnt thinking a thing, it wasnt as though i sat there and though 'i want to die' i just kept taking them. I finished the whole box – i think there was about 50 cocodimals in the box. i then went to the medicine cupboard and took everything that was in there, i finished off the rest of my antidepressants (oh thats another thing, i had only been on antidepressants for 2 weeks and they were making me feel SHIT. i was soo anxious all the time, i clawed my back, it was horrible)and then went down tomy dad and asked him for more as i had a headache, he told me to take two then leave the rest on the side. i took that box of paracetemol and took all of them.There wasa slight moment where i had no idea what id done or was goingto do. before my mum or dad came in iwent out my back door and ran to my local park. i rung my best friend, i didnt want to change what i had donei just wanted someone to be with me. i told him what i had done and he hungup on me, fully hung up. i have never been more hurt. it felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart. bythis point i could barely see and walk straight. i had been talking to a guy i use to go out with for abit, we wereby that pointjust really good friends and i remeber telling him about my therapy etc and him saying ifyou ever need anything im here.now normally when peoplesay that its aload ofshit, but with him i knew he meant it. soi rung him and told him. with in 3 miniutes he was dragging meinto his mums car.they took me back to theres and called an ambulance. his mum called my mum and dad an they were there in minutes. i dont really remember being in there, it was all verydazy. i just rememebr being so angry that they hadcalled an ambulance. i just wanted to die, whywouldntanyone let me die?

i was in and out of conciousnessthethe next 3 days, all i remember is everytime i woke up he was sitting there,Jordan, my friend, the personwho had saved my life.when iwas discharged he was round my house every day for a week, untill one day he stopped replyingto my messages, wouldnt take my calls nothing. you wanna know why? im sure most have guessed – a girl. he had started seeing osme girl, shetold him he wasnt alowed anything to do with me, and he fucking listened to her. 6 years on andit still hurts me.for about 4 months he would talk to me whenever they broke up then stop again when they got back together. and i just let him do that tome. i was sodesperate for his friendship and companythat i let himtreat me like shit. during this time i startedself harming, cutting. I had never understood before then whypeople did it, i had a really good friend that did it and i hated him for it, but one night i got sodesperate that i didit. andas horrible as itsounds, it felt amazing. but you know what, thinking back i dont actually remember the first time i did it, like at all. but it went on for a while, i started seeing a new therapist who i really got along with. then a few months later i showed my true stupid side and got intoa relationship with jordan, ha yep.

We were together for 2 years and I really was in love with him. weve been broken up for 2 years now, i cant even believe how quickly time has gone by, its scary.

I could go on forever telling you things in my life that have happened to me and fucked me over but i think that would even bore me. all i know is that as much as i cant control my mind i know it very well, and at the momenti can feel myself slipping further and further back. I dont want to be here, i dont want to leave my bed, i dont want to do anything. i do want to self harm, i wont, i like to think im strong enough now not to.. but not because its bad, because i cant be bothered with other people asking questionds and judging.

Sorry this is so long, im sure you all understand bottling things up for so long, theyre bound to all burst out eventualy..