So apparently I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Maybe I do a bit because I can't seem to find anything I like about my appearance! Since I was about 12 I have absolutely hated the shape of nose, there was a small bump on it which made my nose look big but I was the only one who ever saw anything wrong with it apart from a couple of nasty people when I was younger. At least they're being honest I used to think. So, barely being able to look in the mirror along with depression, anxiety and other mental issues was awful. It became too much for me and my parents couldn't bare to see me like that anymore so they decided they would pay for a nose job despite being so against it. I wanted to do it as soon as possible so I didn't take much time in researching and picking clinics/surgeons.
Last July I went through with it. It cost €10,000 because I had an Open Rhinoplasty which is a very intrusive surgery, really painful recovery. The whole experience was a massive ordeal for me because I can't even leave the house without feeling panicky. I had never had a general anaesthetic and needed to be sedated before getting it because I was extremely anxious. That was 6 months ago. This is probably the main reason I've fallen deeper into this black hole because I went through all that, my parents paid all that money and…….. I have the exact same nose, there is no difference whatsoever, just some swelling. In another 6 months time I can go in for a revision surgery if it still hasn't changed but I don't know whether to go back in for it or sue the surgeon!!
I have suffered a huge amount of emotional/mental stress the past 6 months because he didn't do his job properly! Panic attacks, serious thoughts of suicide and a nervous breakdown to top it off. I remember leaving the hospital after the operation all bandaged up and in a lot of pain but feeling very proud of myself for being able to do it and immensely happy thinking I now have the nose I've always wanted. Little did I know I would be so wrong. 5% of people need to back in for revision surgery. 5!!!! And I'm among that 5%, Of course I am, typical! And people ask me why I'm so negative? I'm trying so hard to cope with it. Yes I have always been depressed but this is the lowest form I've ever experienced.
I can't even show my parents the gratitude they deserve for their financial and emotional support because I'm so torn up over it. I'm angry. I'm upset. Constantly trying to hold back tears while you go about your day is exhausting. It's strange how I can see the beauty in everyone else, but never myself.