I am feeling extra anxious tonight. To add to it I just wrote most of my blog and then erased it on mistake when I went to another page. Anyway let me give this another try….
I think one of the reasons that I am feeling extra anxious is because there have been a lot of changes going on in my life. Even the good ones make me nervous because I am not good with change.
Anyway my boyfriend has been gone for 2 weeks and is coming back in 2 days. I am feeling scared that if I do something the wrong way he will not like me anymore. We have not been seeing one another for very long but have really hit it off so we were spending a lot of time together before he left. I am excited to see him but often my excitement turns into anxiety which then turns into obsessive thinking. I start to think that if I don't do things a certain way we will break up. One example of this is I think that If I don't leave the house at a certain time or walk at a certain pace something terrible will happen and I will ruin everything and it will all be my fault.
I have been this way for as long as I can remember but I never knew it was ocd until I read more about the disorder. My main problem right now is contamination fears and washing so sometimes I forget about the other obsessive tendencies that I have. I am reminded of my washing now because my hands are a bit sore since I can't seem to find my lotion. Even though the washing has gone down a lot I still do it much more than the average person does. I think I only remember that when I notice how dry my hands are.
Anyway I guess it is just hard trying to keep all the fears and obsessions in check. It feels therapeutic just to write about this. I have written about my washing but not about my pure obsessive thinking. Sometimes the thoughts seem so silly but at the time they can feel very real. It feels good just to share this with everyone. Now that I have written about them I feel maybe they lost some of their power.
I also seem to just be randomly worrying about everything. My doctor said I also have GAD I always thought that was a part of ocd though. I obsess a lot at night fearing I won’t be able to sleep and then thinking that something bad will happen. I guess there is one common theme, all my obsessions and fears end with me thinking "and then something bad will happen" lol
Thanks so much for your post 🙂 I really thought I was the only one that thought like that. I'm sorry you went though that too but it is nice to know I am not the only one and that its not me just OCD. I swear for so long I thought it was real…lol
Also thanks for the advice about the lotion. Your right I do need to go get some more because it does start to hurt. Thank goodness for living in NYC even though the weather is bad right now getting stuff is not too bad since there are so many stores in walking distance 🙂
i'm short on words at the moment, but i'm very glad you felt able to write about this.
you're not alone
megan
Thank you so much Megan. I will be seeing him tomorrow and am trying my best to stay calm and not let my excitement turn into anxiety or to let my ocd thoughts takeover. I feel that they are still there but writing was very therapeutic so luckily it does not feel quite as strong. Thanks for reminding me that I am not alone. I hope all is going well with you 🙂