I had a panic attack last night for the first time in about 2 months. It lasted for about 20 minutes. What's so strange is that I'm on my medication and I usually only have panic attacks when I'm not on medicine. The funny thing is, my panic attack was about my medicine. I thought to myself, "Why can't I fix myself without medication?" I kept having thoughts that maybe there is no hope for me otherwise. I tried so hard to be happy without medication.
I grew up as someone who was always very outgoing and friendly. A lot of things happened in my life. Over time I became very nervous and somewhat withdrawn. My mom would always ask, "What happened to my bubbly Morgan?" It frustrated me so much because I didn't know the answer.
When I'm on my medicine I feel like myself. I'm happy, outgoing, and I don't worry as much as I used to. I'm able to talk about my past and I'm able to accept that the things that happened are over and I'm ok now. But when I'm off my medication, I am unable to talk about my past without crying and trying to catch my breath. I can't even look at pictures that relate to anything that happened or I start to get upset.
So last night , I started to panic. My heart started to race and I felt like there was no hope for me. I feel pathetic that I rely so much on medication to keep me intact. I've tried numerous times to go without medication, and it never works. My doctor said that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that causes me to lack serotonin, and that I need medication. I just hope that I'm stronger than I think I am.