So it could be a chemical thing, or it could be a willpower/over-exertion snapping-back effect, but I really do bounce back and forth between month-long phases of being able to handle everything, and then a similar phase of being crushed by the weight of my own existence. I have definitely felt crushed these last two weeks. I look to my nails, over and over, for signs that the phase might be switching over, but alas they’re still being ripped to pieces and I don’t even want to describe the state of my bleeding cuticles.[br][br]When I put it into words, it feels so much harder to think of myself as attractive in any way.  It just sounds so vile. I can’t imagine what picture of me I’m painting for you all. Then I remember you can see my photograph and see that I don’t look like a peeling disgusting lump of hideousness…and that really is strange – that I go through all this, and no one can tell.  Oh, but I’m repeating myself. I say this all the time, think it all the time. When I was 13, I used to say ‘Stop Me if You Think You’ve Heard This Before’ by The Smiths was my theme song.[br][br]I’ve been attempting to smile more. People love you when you smile, it seems. In fact, yes, most people only like you if you’re happy. They’re so afraid of dealing with you if you’re not putting on the chirpy façade at all hours. How can you NOT snap, from all that fakery? But then there are others who only like you if you’re drowning in misery. How is that a sustainable existence, either? Why all these opposites? I like to think Hermann Hesse and the Buddha had it right when they said it’s more about the balance in-between these things, the equal validity and invalidity of both. Like the end of ‘Siddhartha’ when he keeps abandoning the recommended path and at last reaches a kind of enlightenment, and his faithful companion looks at his face and sees it’s the combination of everything he’s ever experienced in his life.  All these things are important. They are all a part of us.  Why deny a darker nature because of some misguided naïve idea that you MUST be happy all the time?  And why equate misery with depth? We’re more complicated creatures than that.  If there really is God, there can’t be a devil, because that would mean God had an equal opponent…which is outside the definition of God.  To me, all things in the universe must be God’s creation, if he exists – and to deny parts of it is like denying the self.  Why must God be ‘all good’? Doesn’t saying he possesses no darkness mean there are things outside of him?  Doesn’t that cancel out his omnipotence?[br][br]I have no idea how I got onto this train of thought, now…oh yes.  Balance. There’s no sin in unhappiness. There’s no sin in taking pleasure in life’s joys.  And I suppose the lesson I have to learn is that, no matter which phase I’m in – out of control or the girl who can handle everything – neither is better or worse than the other; they’re all necessary ‘evils’ of life.  The key is accepting the state of things, and simply being.