No matter how much damage has been done, no matter how much pain they\’ve caused, no matter where they are, your kids are still a  part of you.  i\’m trying really hard to just be there/here for my daughter.  She\’s told me of her panic attacks–waking her up when she\’s asleep, and she doesn\’t understand why–which has led, evidently, to some insomnia.  She\’s definitely not eating well….due to lack of funds, i\’d say.  But, i know she\’s trying—or at least seems to be.  i\’m not sure what the deal is with the sperm donor, yet, but from the descriptions she\’s given me, he must be staying in his parents\’ section of the home, while my daughter and grandson reside in the other.  Apparently, she\’s got until 28 September to get the issues expunged from her record.  *sigh  (Yep, wouldn\’t be an issue if she hadn\’t been where she was at the time of the larcenies–according to her description.  And, even if that\’s not exactly what happened, she shoulda known better.  But, what\’s done is done.)  Shelby\’s also told me she\’s taken Gabriel over to my ex\’s (his grandfather\’s) for the weekend—at least he\’ll eat there.  She\’s told me of some of the lies and manipulation that\’s been shared with her, and quite a few things that make me seem like i cared nothing at all for my kids, or my ex–before he was my ex, of course.  People….can be so freakin ugly….  i mean, really, who—who, in their right mind, i should say—puts a person\’s name on a \”swear jar\” and even admits to it in court?  –of course, the judge recognized it and how much they hate me, but at the same time, NO parental alienation???  Isn\’t that the definition of it?  For those of you who don\’t know what a swear jar is:  this one, in particular, had my name posted on it, and anyone who said my name had to pay either $5 or $10–i can\’t remember which.  In court my ex-mother-in-law also stated that my son would get the funds from the jar to use as he desired.  My daughter claims she\’s never heard of this swear jar–other than the actual swear jar that was in their home, when she was younger.  So, i have no idea what or how much of any of what i\’ve been told is true.  Of course i worry.  i don\’t know many parents, at all, that would want their kids to see them in a negative-light.  While no one is perfect, and never will be, we\’re mentors–or supposed to be–for our kids.  Grandparents, other family members, or friends–whoever–shouldn\’t purposefully try to damage the relationship between children and their parents.  My kids were never in danger, when i was there.  They were always taken care of.  Of course, there were misunderstandings and negative behavior, but that\’s why we had contracts and we taught them both (whether they believed it or not) that everything you do in life has consequences.

Maybe i\’m hoping or expecting more than possible, i dunno.  i just know that since i\’ve been in contact with my daughter, this time, and just trying to be there for her and my grandson, it just hurts my heart, with how much stuff she\’s got going on (pain, anxiety, insomnia, seizures, scoliosis, etc.) and has chosen? to be so distant for the past several years…..i know, there were other influences in her life–the main ones, of course, that wanted me dead and gone–that tried to manipulate her and her brother into believing i left THEM as well as the other lies.  Shelby told me the other day that she\’s starting to see that a lot of what was told to her was totally wrong…..  ya think??  But, i know, she has to figure it out for herself–just as her brother does.  And, the past few days, if i bring her name up, my husband cops a serious attitude.  Early this morning, he asked me what i was doing and i told him, \”Answering Shelby\’s message.\”  My husband got an attitude, and plainly told me, \”i don\’t even wanna hear it.\”  So, now i have no actual outlet, with my spouse, either.  *sigh  i feel so lost.