I don’t understand myself. There are so many things that I want to change in my life but I feel powerless to do so. I’m the kind of person who likes to think logically and tries to analyze my faults and weaknesses and hopefully come up with solutions to solve my problems whether they be financial, emotional or physically but I seem to go nowhere in this quest except in imaginary circles. I tend to be withdrawn as a person and I generally keep to myself and avoid others especially people that I don’t know well. I have a few friends though who mostly happen to be my relatives because I’ve been burned so bad by people in life that I just don’t trust anyone anymore. People who get to know me personally usually find out that I can be a good friend and a decent person but a lot of people tend to fear me because of rumors that have been spread about me. Let me try and explain a little bit about who I am and some of the problems that I am facing.
I had a really great and privileged childhood. My late father was a diplomat and I lived overseas in some of the most wonderful capital cities of the world as the child of a diplomat with my parents and my siblings even though we come from a relatively poor country in Africa. I remember being sexually abused as a kid one time when we were on holiday in our home country and I think the incident traumatized me because after that I couldn’t concentrate in school and I got into a lot of fights. It was as if I was seeking attention and help by being disruptive in class even though I now realize that I probably had the smarts to get good grades and go on and get a decent higher education. Even though I was showing certain signs of trauma that were being manifested through juvenile delinquency, life then was pretty good and even though the abuse that occurred really messed me up, I wasn’t yet totally a nut case which unfortunately I seem to have become one right now.
When my Dad eventually was transferred back to our home country after more than a decade of living overseas he sent me and most of my other siblings to boarding schools which I know totally messed up my life. That was definitely the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was an all boys school and I happened to be one of the youngest students in the school. Spending 3 and a half years in that school totally messed me up because I was put in an environment which was alien to me. I had grown up overseas attending international schools and most of my friends and the students that I had gone to school with abroad were mostly kids from western countries such as the United States and Europe but also from other parts of the world. But upon return to my country I was with village boys who were sometimes 5 years or more older than me in the same class. They made fun of me, took advantage of me in every way possible. To say the least it was a really a stunning realization of culture shock even though these students were fellow citizens of my country and who also shared my race but I had nothing in common with them. To this day, I blame my late Dad for putting me through this ordeal which has really defined my life in a negative way.
Now I don’t want to spill all the beans and be too personal because even though I am on this site using a pseudonym and I am trying to be anonymous (at least I hope I am), I feel that I am confiding to the world and I guess nobody likes their private and personal information becoming public and being broadcast across the world. Suffice it to say, even though I’ve been attracted to women almost all of my life that experience in boarding school made practically every relationship with the opposite sex that I went into, fail miserably. I find it difficult to be intimate with people because I guess I don’t trust people, period. I’ve been humiliated a number of times, I’ve been the laughing stock of my peers and people think that I’m gay which in my country is just as bad and probably comparable to being a child molester in a western country. People shun you and you become the dredge of society. I have nothing against the gay community and in a strange way this experience has given me a lot of sympathy and understanding towards people who are different and who do not conform to society’s standards of what is acceptable.
More than 2 decades ago I had a mental breakdown and in that state I attempted suicide but luckily enough I am alive to tell that story. I also am in very bad health. I have a pretty large tumor that is sticking out of the sole of my foot and it seems to be growing at a relatively fast pace. I have respiratory problems that cause me to cough incessantly or when I don’t cough I try to remove the phlegm that seems to have built up inside my lungs and yet I seem to keep procrastinating going to the hospital which I can barely afford. But the cost isn’t the problem because I have relatives who would be willing to assist me financially if I sought out their help. Sometimes I feel that maybe death is better. That maybe in death I will cease to struggle and fight the fears and anxiety that plague me on a daily basis. I can barely leave the apartment that I live in without at least having drunk a couple of beers to put me in a stable mood and to give me confidence over the challenges that I may face while out and about. So this is what my life is has ultimately become. I’ve left out a lot of personal details because it would take too long to write them down. Maybe when I’ve overcome my problems or at least have been able to accept my situation and cope with my problems then I might write them in a book but until then this is all the info about my sad life that I feel comfortable writing about.
In conclusion, I know that this is somewhat of a rant and I hope I haven’t bored you but I just want to know, how do any of you or people that you may know, or anybody for that matter. How do you all cope with deep hurts and wounds that have been embedded in your psyches. How do you come out of that? How does one change the narrative of one’s life. How does a person who is disrespected in society because of prejudice and slander overcome the negative stereotypes that have been pinned upon them by society. And lastly how do I become a person who can remove the negative memories that are so ingrained in me that it affects my relationships with people and society at large.
Sorry for boring you with such a long speech but I would really appreciate anyone’s advice. Thank you so much for listening to me.