So this is the 4th time I have tried to write this….each time before turned out ridiculously long and I figured no one would want to read it….To get straight to the point I feel like my past is surrounding me…I can’t get away from it….it is always an underlying thought in my head……it always leads to me thinking that no matter what I do I am never going to beat these demons…..never going to be a good person….I will fail my husband…..I will fail my girls……I am not good enough…..I am not worthy…..my rational brain gets over thrown by all these negative thoughts and emotions….you aren’t like all these normal happy people….you will never be truly happy….you are only pretending to be happy…….you will screw this up too…..why are you even trying….you will screw your girls up, that is what you do….you always screw up…..just stop trying…..they only love you because they are little and don’t understand how messed up you are…..stop trying to make friends….you are trying to hard….you aren’t trying hard enough….no man can really love you, you are fat and don’t wear make up or pretty clothes…..oh god, I could keep going but for the sake of keeping this shorter than all the others I have tried to write what i feel and for fear that if I don’t hit send soon I won’t hit send at all so, I will only add A little more……I have faced the fact that I am living with major depression….I have faced the fact that we live paycheck to paycheck and are only able to get insurance for our children so I am not going to get the mental help that I need….but I can not face the fact that this is how I am meant to live….I can not whole heartedly face the fact that this universe gave me my soulmate and these beautiful children  just to make me watch them from this miserable fog that I am living in….I need to escape…..I need to find the joy…..I just don’t know how to defeat these demons…….