At the age of four I witnessed my parents die infront of my eyes in my dreams every single night. Thus allowing a child to get up in the middle of the night, every night, just to make sure those two substantial people were still breathing. At age six, my brain made me believed that it truly happened. I sat next to my mothers bed not feeling a heartbeat and walked away to my room not knowing how to digest what my brain had lead me to. I then was woken up by my mom herself in flesh and blood. Why does my brain play tricks againt me? Does it believe it’s humorous? Is my state of mind a joke at this point. I was six. Fast forward to thirteen I no longer saw my parents die infront of my eyes, it now became me. What is it that I did? What is it that I am supposed to learn? Is my mind my punishment for my existance or is my existance a punishment for my brain? I may never know, and I have come to accept it now at sixteen. Not only watching my own self-induced death, but the self-induced death of the human I love more than anything in this world, in this damn universe. I can’t seem to pinpoint where this comes from. Is there a demon inside of me, or is the demon me? They say that even the devil was once an angel. What was I once? Maybe i was a normal kid. I have been living a lie, pretending day in and day out to be the standard. The honors student with straight A’s. The one who listened to their parents while still making those stupid children mistakes. I honestly beleive I deserve a grammy nomination for best actor over the part twelve years. How is it that it was so natural for me to pretend? Maybe I’m not pretending. Maybe I am being the full extent of who I was created to be. My body of clay, now suffering through what myself and others don’t quite understand. I’ve come to a conclusion that maybe it’s not a disease, I truly belikeve the disease is me. Where do you make such a mind, such a brain, such a human being? Unless maybe I’m not human.
I would give anything.
Show me the lights at the end of the tunnel.
If you tried a sample do you believe that you would survive? If I got rid of even a sliver would i be lighter? Would I know this so called peace?
