so i was thinking this morning how i’m 23yrs old and have never experienced the true honest feeling of being loved (not including those of a frienship or family of course) but thus far any male i have been with has either used me for sex, (shitty one night stands) or the big love(past) of my life kept me in secret. it lasted 2 years that every cuddle and kiss was behind closed doors. he wanted out relationship to be a secret so no one would think he was wierd. he kept me secret because you shouldnt sleep with a fat girl! that doesnt give you hipster points.2 years of this! and we lived alone together. we traveled together. i thought during the time that it was the best thing that ever happened, he made me feel and it didnt matter that he wanted to keep us hush hush so he could on chance sleep with a random hussy. it took alot of heartbreak to now realize that i’m 23 and have never experience public displays of affection. no male has done the simple things like walk around holding my hand, (again aside from the random one nighters or one weekers), said sweet things, i’ve never been with somone who ive felt is thinking about me while i wasnt there. all those cheesy lovey things, someone to cuddle with when at a party with friends.blahblahblah you get my point
in this i have become stone cold. i dont let ppl touch me. any advancements of men i become harsh and shoo them away because i feel like they will have ill intent. i’m the prudest of prude because i feel like there is no such thing as love anymore. except the love i give myself. and i can get myself off alot easier than i can trust someone else too.
it also has to do with being molested when i was a kid and having my parents not do anything about it. highschool was spent rebelling against my peers by sleeping with 30yr old men because i felt like i had somthing to prove. i had to SHOW them fat chicks can get layed too, and not only layed buy my MEN! blah oh how wrong i was. that ruined me really good.
so currently. love doesnt exist
Your blog makes me really angry. That 2 year "relationship" of yours? That guy deserves a good hard swift kick in the crotch with a nice pair of steel boots. The moment he gave you that excuse for why you two had to keep it hush-hush you should have sent him packing. I”m sorry to say this, but he was a real asshole.
What worries me is that your self-esteem is out-of-whack. I”m not knocking you or trying to make you feel bad or anything but I guarentee you that you will never have the relationships you really want if you do not work on yourself first. Never ever let anyone treat you like that. Ever. One-night stands are tricky, they happen – but still, if you really and truly do not want to do them then don”t. Believe me, a decent guy will respect your decision and if he doesn”t? It says all you need to know about him in an instant….it”s a huge neon sign saying "loser" on his forehead.
You will find love but you will have to fix you first. That”s the only way. Kick these assholes to the curb.
to WadeAlexanfer72:
it”s good to hear all this from a guy, thank you. and yes he was a out right asshole its taken me awhile to stop punishing myself for letting him treat me like he did. and i goes along with my insecurities. i hated myself so i thought another person treating me bad was what i deserved.. in a wierd fucked up way. ick i dont knw. but yes im on my way to fixing myself one babystep at a time. thank you and i hope i find a decent one soon!
There”s so many ways that just isn”t right. A man doesn”t keep a girl "secret" because he thinks she”s big or whatever he may have been happy to let you think. Although sometimes it”s just not worth attacking the guy, in this case, he kept you a secret because he wanted to keep himself officially "single" and that”s all there was to it. There”s no way that was you.
If a man wants to be in a relationship, he will be.
Don”t underestimate what men in your past prove to you. Sure, you got with older men who only wanted one thing, but those men are just as discriminating. Men shying away from you because there”s something wrong with you isn”t going to keep you from finding love while helping you get laid – if you can do one, you can do the other. The only difference is the man you happen to stumble on.
By the way, thanks for the friend request, it means a lot.