(note: this is the 4th in a series of blogs I've written today. Feel free to read the other ones if you want…or don't. My apologies if this all makes me come across as being narcissistic)

So…all of the previous blogs I wrote today tie in to a self-appointed title I have placed upon myself: "Mr. Almost"…I've always been ALMOST smart, but not quite…example: MOSTLY have been good academically in English, Psychology, History, etc but MOSTLY horrible at Math & Science, and even within that, very baffling to me that I was really good at Intermediate/intro to Algebra, but horrible at COLLEGE ALGEBRA (have tried taking it THREE FREAKING TIMES and have dropped it each time before I was inevitably going to land an F in it. Anyway, point is that it just always has seemed to me that you are either completely good at Math, or you're not good at it at all. )…I ALMOST have gotten at least some kind of college degree; I've had a mere 12 credits left to get an associates degree for some 15 years now, but my arch-nemisis's College Algebra and a lab science course have stood in the way of obtaining that and still do…and with my being on the verge of flunking my Observational Astronomy class(detailed in one of the previous blogs I wrote today) that I took this semester (as I made the decision this past Fall to try for the first time in years to finally work towards obtaining said ever-so-elusive associates degree), looks like I very well could be stuck in "Almost" purgaory once again with all of this)….

I'm ALMOST "good" at sports–or at least I'd like to think I am–but never QUITE "good" at them, which has been excruciatingly frustrating to me since I have always had a passion to play them…Examples: Years and years spent going to the batting cages to try to improve my hitting at softball(gave up trying to hit a regular baseball ages ago), seemingly encouraging sessions there time and time again, only to for the most part choke in the real games, and whatever "hitting technique" that I thought I finally "taught myself" at the cages infuriatingly(if that's not a word, I'm making it one) refusing to transfer to the actual games…really good sessions–or so it seemed–practicing hitting the tennis ball against a wall, and being encouraged for the most part at how I would do during tennis lessons, only for the techniques I was taught to somehow be a struggle to carry out in the real games…and there was a friend who I started playing tennis with one summer almost every day, and I was neck & neck with him for the most part in winning matches, only to be baffled to see him eventually pull away and somehow start to dominate me in virtually all of our matches later in the summer…these, just a couple of examples out of so many frustrating ones that come to mind offhand in terms of sports…

So many times, I have felt like I ALMOST have "gotten The Girl", "won the heart" of so many that I would fall for., etc. only to somehow do something stupid/wearing my heart out on my sleeve/ fail to "play it cool" or somehow miss a possible cue from her that would cost me any and all chance of doing so(I elaborated on my latest ordeal in regards to this kind of situation in one of my previous blogs that I wrote today for what it's worth if u want to read it and haven't already)..Example: A girl named Alison, the one I fell for the hardest years back and subsequently ended up feeling the most heartache over,… as far as "not playing it cool" is concerned, what if I hadn't more or less bluntly told her that I had fallen for her as opposed to doing something more sensible such as dropping a subtle hint or two, if I hadn't wrote her letter after ridiculous letter to her at school overdoing it to the extreme in terms of expressing my feelings for her, if I HADN'T FREAKING WRITTEN A POEM ABOUT HER AND EVENTUALLY READ IT TO HER(!) FOR CRIPES SAKES?!?… as far as missing potential verbal/non-verbal cues is concerned, ….what would have happened had I been home to talk to her, maybe even go go to her house and comfort her in person when she had called and left a message on my answering machine at home shortly after her breakup with her boyfriend instead of my impulsively going to see a movie by myself that evening and thereby missing her call… If I had told her right away that I love her back when she said the words "I love you" in a letter she wrote to me while she was away at school rather than wait weeks later to do so…or when she told me "you're supposed to fight for me Todd" and I tried too hard to stay neutral(perhaps choosing the wrong time in this case and the previous one to "play it cool" ?) as she was giving me details of her latest fight with her bf instead of trying to convince her it was time to give me a chance?…(Sorry if all of this sounded pathetic and overly-detailed, but just felt such a need to provide an example apparently)…

and lastly, I ALMOST seem to understand the important issues of the day, but never seem to quite grasp them completely compared to others..I ALMOST am "smart" non-academically–.people are always telling me for instance that I have good "verbal skills" and come across as very intelligent whatever the hell any of that means…..but my inability to understand how to handle and cope with a lot of the "normal" situations in life that most people I know seem to have had little or no trouble dealing with has left me lagging way behind my peers in virtually every aspect of life(ie failed attempts at relationships, not being married and starting a family, never having quite "figured out" how to get a good and respectable job– rather than the endless amounts of mediocre ones I have held– that pays well enough for me to even ENTERTAIN the idea of being stable enough from a financial perspective to get married/provide for a family, etc), how to buy my own car instead of having to rely on my parents, how to get organized in paying endless amounts of bills/debts, how to get my own apartment without needing help from my parents,,how to cook a decent meal…among so many other things)

Oh, and I ALMOST have finished reading umpteen different books that I began reading, but…anyway, enough with these ALMOSTS…I could go on-and-on with them, and have obviously gone way too on-and-on with them already…So sorry for the marathon-legnth blog(s)…THIS ONE IN PARTICULAR was really NOT INTENDED TO BE THIS FREAKING LONG…

and I do apologize, because looking back at this blog I just wrote, I can see how it might just come across as nothing more than rambling(whining?complaining?), and the question I suppose can be asked what does have to do with depression, etc. And really, I should probably edit this majorly and probably would but really in a hurry to go see my Dad so please do pardon me for not editing…but all of this does actually have a lot to do with depression, for all of these things have been factors one way or another in leading to depression in one form or another throughout my life–and sorry if that's a little too vague, but it's the best explanation I can give for now…

Bottom line, is I am very flawed, and remain very much a work in progress…Thank you so much to anyone who was able to take the time to read.

Todd

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