I’m alone in my head. I’m alone in life without those few certain people who have made a true impact on my life. I have come to the realization that I manage to loose everyone who has truly helped me and loved me even when we arent real blood. I need them. Most importantly, I need her. I love her more than anyone in my life and I can barely see her, I can barely talk to her. They don’t understand that the pain I’m in is more of a punishment then they could eveer think of for the worst crime. I know for a fact that I have never done anything bad enough to deserve such pain. This is not only self-induced, this was put upon me. I need someone or something to tell me why this is happening to me. My heart is struggling. My body is shutting down and going back to the dark. Take me out of this place. It’s worse than numb, it’s greater than sadness. It’s the hoplessness, the helplessness, the isolation amongst all. If anyone hears me, take me out of this hell. My deeds do not align with my place. I would do anything to get me out, but at the same time I want more pain. I want the pain to be neverending because I have a voice, a sound, a calling. Telling me that I deserve this. And although I am filled with disbelief, what else can I do but go along with it because I have nothing else. I have noone in a world of billions.
It’s been a long time. I am exhausted. I’ve been drained of my will, my fight has turned into flight. Since when does a human only get one option. They say fight o flight for a reason. To be human means to have a choice, but I am in a position where that doesn’t exist for me anymore. What happened to helping me for me. Why did you take everything away from me. Save me.
I’m living half a life. I have been given half a heart yet a whole body of pain. A mind that won’t stop racing. That won’t stop injecting pain. A brain that has been deemed “diseased.” Is that what I am? Am i just a disease? I feel like no more than a science project. In the process of my so-called “help” I can’t help but think I’m just a piece of data. To help with those in the future. Oh if i can stop anyone from feeling this pain I would do anything and everything. If this is what human is, being human isnt humane. Or maybe humane isn’t human? At this point, anything is possible.