I was a strict vegetarian for about two years, and that was about a year ago. Recently I have been open to eating fish once a week, and meat on occasion (usually once a week or less). I have been wondering how I ever was so strict about it, when most drive thrus and fast food places include meat in their meals, even in salads. I guess the vegetarian option is to not frequent fast food places, but that is inconvenient when my husband and I go out on long drives, and need to stop for lunch. I suppose I could make sandwiches for the road. It would be more affordable too. I no longer cook meat in the house. I do cook the salmon and sea bass. I was just thinking about being vegetarian, as I am sitting here eating edamame that I got from Trader Joe’s. Trader Joe’s is a very vegetarian friendly store; they have a lot of alternative meat options. But I don’t get any of those because my husband doesn’t like them. It’s a bummer. I really like their beefless ground “beef.” It’s tasty with marinara sauce and polenta. The last time I cooked it, my husband ate around the “beef” and I finished it for him.

My reasons for being vegetarian are taste, health and the environment. I know that the meat industry is a huge polluter, even the organic meats. I know there are grass fed livestock out there, but they are few and far between, and their meats are expensive. I believe that a vegetarian diet is healthier than an omnivorous diet. I do eat dairy and eggs, so I am not lacking in nutrients that one would get from meat. I also just don’t really like the taste of meat. I have always opted for vegetarian options when presented. Especially on pizza- I can’t stand meat on pizza. My husband prefers his pizza with chicken on it, so we usually get a half and half. My favorite pizza is the margherita pizza. That fresh basil is just wonderful. I was just thinking, a vegetarian diet is also cheaper than an omnivorous diet. Meat is expensive. I always opt for the cheapest salmon, usually around $9, good for one meal. That’s as much as I’m willing to spend on a protein. I wish it were more affordable. I spend between $60 and $100 dollars each week on groceries. It would be more if I were to buy meat. I used to buy the marinated chicken from Trader Joe’s, but my husband said he didn’t want me to buy it anymore, and we switched to the salmon. So I guess that makes me pescatarian.

My husband is an omnivore, he always has meat for lunch when he is at work. I am making a vegetarian lunch for us today- miso ramen soup and edamame. I’m starting to panic again, feeling like I’m disappearing. The stupid sun is out, I hate the sun and wish it would go away. It was cloudy earlier. The sun doesn’t look right to my eyes and it doesn’t illuminate the world properly anymore. I can’t explain it, it just doesn’t look right out there. It doesn’t look right in here either. I don’t know what to do! I feel like the whole world is disappearing. My husband and I just ate lunch together, and the whole time I was looking at him and it seemed like he was disappearing right before my very eyes! I’m still eating the edamame, there is a lot of it. At least the sun has gone back behind the clouds. I want my husband to come back inside! He’s up on the roof doing some sealing.

I’m having a Chinese rose green tea as my after-lunch beverage. It’s so good. I think it’s a gunpowder green tea, because it’s rolled up into little balls. The label on the jar is in Chinese, so I won’t know for sure. The bad voices in my head are yelling at me like crazy, and I don’t know what to do! It’s yelling, “You’re so stupid, Rose! You’re so stupid!” I’m really scared, I feel like everything is disappearing around me and I don’t know what to do. I can taste the edamame still, so I must still be here. I can see my hands in front of me as I type, so I must still be here. I can taste the rose green tea, so I must still be here. The bad voice is telling me, “Not for long, motherf—er!” It’s so frightening, going through this every day. How I wish my husband were in here with me, instead of working on the roof.

He wants me to get more of the blue china bowls from the Asian market. I suppose I could do that while he’s up on the roof. But I want to finish my green tea first. I can’t believe it’s only noon. How am I going to get through this day like this? The bad voice says, “You’re not.” I don’t know what the heck to do, I’m just feeling so terrible, and the stupid sun is out. I don’t want to walk to the Asian market in the sun. It was cloudy earlier. The bowls are super cheap, but I think I will only get one. We don’t have room for a lot of bowls. I love the edamame, it’s so tasty. My husband didn’t like the noodles in his ramen soup, so he gave them to me. I guess I didn’t cook them long enough for his taste. I like them rather chewy, so I didn’t mind. Ok, I think I’m going to go to the Asian market now. Wish me luck.