I have mentioned in the past that I like the band citizen soldier. They have a cool sound and they cover a lot of mental health issues such as depression, addiction, recovery from abuse, ptsd, and suicide. The two songs “would anyone care” and “the weight of the world” were the first I had ever heard. I remember that night I had already been crying for hours and after hearing the first song I thought “man, even the YouTube algorithm knows I’m depressed” it was such a gut punch. This was a few months after I had my first crisis: debating how to best kill myself so my family wouldn’t feel guilty. Funny enough a night listening to these songs that made me brave enough to call 988. I had been trying to hold myself together all by myself since I was 13 years old, when I decided that I wouldn’t go to therapy until I moved out. The problem 13 year old me didn’t see was that my issues would only grow as the years passed. My issues grew to the point that now I can’t see myself living alone anymore. For the last few days I have been really low and today I finally broke 13 year old me’s promise and set up an appointment for my depression. But I’m still a little scared, and now another citizen soldier song is stuck in my head, bedroom ceiling
If you heard the things that I say to my bedroom ceilingWould you have me commited for the things I’m feeling?When I tell anybody else it only goes in circlesSick of oversharing til’ my face gets purpleNo one understands me like my bedroom ceiling
Oh, this is so messed up‘Cause I trust this room more than anyoneOh, let me spill my gutsWith the only one that will never runWhen I’m at my worst and I’m so ashamedI open up and nobody staysOh no, am I that messed up?‘Cause I trust this room more than anyone
If you heard the things that I say to my bedroom ceilingYou’d be more focused on fixing than who they’re killingDon’t know why you cringe when I say I don’t want to liveFour inch concrete listened better than you ever didNo one understands me like my bedroom ceiling
Oh, this is so messed up‘Cause I trust this room more than anyoneOh, let me spill my gutsWith the only one that will never runWhen I’m at my worst and I’m so ashamedI open up and nobody staysOh no, am I that messed up?‘Cause I trust this room more than anyone (one, one…)
Let me be alone‘Cause I’ve already found the perfect therapistHanging from my homeAnd nothing feels better than to cry like thisLet me be alone‘Cause I’ve already found the perfect therapistHanging from my homeAnd nothing feels better than to cry… like this
Oh, this is so messed up‘Cause I trust this room more than anyoneOh, let me spill my gutsWith the only one that will never runWhen I’m at my worst and I’m so ashamedI open up and nobody staysOh no, am I that messed up?‘Cause I trust this room more than anyone
For years now this has been what I was feeling and I never had the words for it. I was scared of hurting my family because I was depressed and that somehow meant they didn’t do a good enough job taking care of me. So if I admitted to being depressed I was failing my family. My room was where I cried for so long and now I’m going to be talking to someone about it all. It’s just a little overwhelming.
