Some days I am just so tired. It's been more and more lately. I am exhausted at the end of each day and have nothing to show for it. Each day slowly runs into the next and I trudge through them, empty, proving how much of a let down I am to everyone.
I am so tired of trying to be upbeat, I am not. I will probably never be that person…I wouldn't know how even if I wanted to.
I am so afraid of telling anyone how I truly feel or think, I already must be so much of a disappointment…I don't think I can handle anymore.
I am so sick of the dreariness of everyday life, never seeing any reward for my hard painstaking work every day…shame for thinking my work means anything.
I am losing sight of why I am trying so hard to save money, something always comes up and what I save for will probably never come to fruition…never getting to enjoy the little extras when they're there.
I am exhausted from the daily physical pain, aching joints, ice pick headaches, electric-like zingers pulsing from one spot to the next, cramping and discomfort from eating the most simple of foods…it's almost not worth eating anymore. Or I find myself eating things I know will hurt the most…on purpose.
I long for one good night's sleep, no nightmares, no sleep crying, no inner monologue cataloging all the things I did wrong or forgot to do or how I must have fraked it all up that day…awaking with the same thoughts telling me Good Morning.
What used to excite me for the future now terrifies me, all too aware of the many possibilities to fail, let someone down, make a general fool of myself, and prove once again how much of a waste of existence I truly am. That's why I used to push people away…why I still do. I usually don't have trouble making friends, I just don't keep up…don't maintain the minimal level of contact that sustaining the friendship requires. Usually it's because it has reached the point of honest sincerity and, knowing most people don't know or don't care, that is when I shy away. No one truly wants to see or understand the depths of me. I used to randomly walk away from relationships, they didn't get it, but I had already assessed that theycouldn't handle who I really was so I let it be….before the beast could show herself, before they realized they were way above me.
Even in those moments of being, like now, where I should be happy…I struggle. I have a wonderful man in my life who tolerates me, even attempts to understand from time to time. I don't expect him to walk away…as much as I used to anticipate. But it still looms overhead. The deadening thought of How couldI could force him to be stuck with me? How dare I string him along, what aboutwhen he finally sees me for the weak waste that I am? I can never be good enough…and that haunts me every single day, controls my words and my actions, drains me.
All I have to look forward to is future failings, realized disappointment, being completely swallowed by the darkness. The light at the end of my tunnel is an oncoming train…