What to do when you must be strong for others, but in doing so you find you yourself need someone to be strong for you?
I feel wretched and I have no shoulder to cry on. To do so would undo everything I worked so hard to protect.
So if you didn't know this about me, I am pro self-injury. I think it is an ill-guided attempt to fix a problem that's deeper than an injury can go, but if it's something that gets you through the hard times until you can find a better way to deal with your problems I don't see why self injury should be such a bad thing. I don't believe the BS that you shouldn't do it because it hurts your friends and your family. It might concern people who don't really understand the impulse because, let's face it… it looks pretty fucking scary, doesn't it? But in most cases, the wounds pose no serious threat. More than anything it is the mentality that drives a person to need to make those wounds. It is a symptom, not a cause.
I don't see why a person should feel obligated to abandon a crutch when they are in need of a leg to stand on just because it is maligned, stereotyped, and misunderstood. Granted, I'm a control freak and I am convinced I know what's best for me, but I still think I have a valid argument. I think that if you need something to get you by, it should be okay to self injure without feeling guilt.
What do I have, though? The blades don't work anymore, which horrified me. I haven't so much quit cutting as cutting has quit me. I cannot and will not say that I won't cut again. That's bullshit, and nine times out of ten saying to yourself that you can't will make you need to do it even more. I look at it as an open-ended hiatus. I can cut whenever I want, but I know it won't do what it used to do for me so I'll try and find something better.
Before you even ask, I can tell you right now that no, I did not graduate to drugs and alcohol. I have been experiencing a rise in anxiety because I don't really have a reliable fix for times like this.
Sometimes I call upon the BDSM parts of my relationship to fill the void and that DOES help me feel better, but it's not something I can have at my disposal 24/7. There are no guarantees.
Sometimes I take really hot showers if I'm feeling that panic. The showers usually turn out to be a mistake. In moments of extreme fear, panic, and depression I often get this experience like millions of hands grabbing at me and almost touching me, but not quite. It's… a horrible experience, and it always seems to happen when I'm in the shower. Every time.
So what is a girl to do, I ask you? What to do when any sense of control, order, and safety has long since abandoned you, or is otherwise unavailable to you?