My parents won't get off my back about finding work. My mom's been pressuring me for the last week about it, saying that I need to start contributing to our family's financial needs. Sometimes I have half a mind to just shout "Shut up!" Others I just want to run away from home.
I don't even think I have a home anymore. My mom talks behind my back to family, telling my aunts and uncles that I'm just a bum. My dad thinks that he can control what I can and can't do. Even my sister tries to do whatever she wants to me and get away with it. Ever since school ended, I've been having to hold back an ever-growing anger inside me for the sake of Daniel, but every once in a while, it breaks loose and I end up getting punished for it.
Sometimes I wonder if life is even worth suffering at the hands of those who claim they love you. My mom may have suffered, but at least she suffered from the hands of others AND had the choice to leave it all behind. Most of my suffering comes from me, and that's something that I can't escape. In one month, I applied at ten different locations; not one of them contacted me about the job. I don't need some **** to tell me anything about life, and then slap me in the face with the idea that I'm lazy.
I just want to give up at this point. I'm not being suicidal at this moment, but I'm so tired of getting dirty looks from my family. How much about me do they really understand? What makes them think that they're superior to me just because they lived a harder life? There doesn't even seem to be a bright side to my life anymore. It's just a bunch of restrained emotions that I can't control.
And, as if things can't be any worse, my counsler won't see me because I've completly dropped taking my medications. There's nobody for me to turn to at this point. I can't even look at my baby brother without feeling as though he's against me, when he tries his hardest to keep me in a home where I'm not appreciated just because he's afraid I might leave him like I did the second time I was in the hospital.
Even with that, I at least understand what that dream with the glass platform means now. The three walls that appeared are the barriers I've put around myself to keep anyone I know from seeing the part of me that doesn't want to be hurt. Distrust and fear are the barriers I know about, but I still don't know what the last one is. With my current living condition, it doesn't look like they'll be coming down anytime soon, and I've already resolved that, the moment I get out of my current living condition, I'm cutting myself off from my family for the rest of my life. I'm done with them toying with my emotions.