Hey E, ….I have something I want to admit to you, and this feels a little weird… I feel unsettled, floating and weightless, with no firm ground to stand on. This feeling comes upon me unpredictably all the time. Am I crazy?
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It is so hard to figure out what words to use to try to describe this sensation? Feeling endlessly tumbled down an unseen waterfall of emotions, never settling down, ideas intrude, unwelcome and stubborn.  Eventually I fall out at the bottom, damp and dizzy, to be cast back up to the top, repeating over and over, over and over….
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(( Q – You ever listened to the guitarist Tobais Rauscher on YouTube? Hutton Drive, Passion Loop. He is keeping me company.   🙂   I really like the benefits paying for Premium, artist channels are like endless radio stations… with NO commercials. I would be thrilled if I could play like Tobias. ))
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When I try to focus on a single thought they elude me, fluttering and spinning around, Acting like a confusing cloud of leaves stirred by a wind I cannot feel.  They fly around, barley out of my reach when I try to catch them, coming and going so fast that it feels like they are escaping, frustrating my attempts to find some sense of being calm.  And I end up feeling scattered about in tiny pieces.
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It is exhausting.    🙁
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((Now playing Sweet Child of Mine by Josephine Alexandra.))
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I feel like I am loosing little parts of my mind, every day! Sometimes I feel like I have no control at all. I am an unwilling hostage, trapped and forced to coexist with this mutating thing inside of me (Iris) who wants so badly to be let out! I feel her growing everyday, I can’t wait for her arrive, she really needs a hug!
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I have been trying to keep track of these ideas by writing them down before I loose them. So now there are little notes all over this place, I forget where I put them and find them at odd moments. Here are a few:  I am not proud of who I was, but part of me is evolving into someone better! (Iris)
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((now playing Tobias with Electric Callboy – The Devil Within ))     ~♥~
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Part of me is a coward, part of me is angry, part of me is always crying, parts of my mind urge me to hurt myself (as some sort of punishment).  Part of me flinches when I sense a touch approaching, part of me wants to strike out so I can trade places, doing the hitting instead of being hit.  Part of me wants so desperately to be hugged.  And parts of me are always hiding, too afraid to come out into the light… it is lonely out here, and my shirt is getting damp from all of my tears.   🙁  and part of me is so tired of being tired. …when I feel a conflict growing I want to flee.
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Sometimes I am most content or maybe I could call it “accepting” when I am unaware of this body I inhabit.  (( Now playing Passionflower by John Gomm ))
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I do not want this body to define “who” I am. I want my mind and ideas to define me.
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Sometimes I am most content or maybe I could call it “accepting” when I am unaware of this body I inhabit.
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Sending you a hopeful smile, a hungry hug, hope (From Bob), growing  peace and sincere prayers – Iris
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p.s. I have thought about sharing some of the conversations I have had with you and others. And a core part of me wants to ask for your permission first.  Will this be okay with you?