Anybody that has been following my blogs and posts knows that I have had this on again/off again messed up thing going on with the guy in my life. Well last night it all came to a head and finally, and I’m pretty sure for good, we called things off. I told him that I felt like he is always choosing other things before me, and it makes me feel unimportant so I was done trying to have a relationship with him. Of course, he turned it all around, made it all my fault, accused me of having a bad attitude (possibly, but if he really knew what was going through my head he damn sure would have shut the f*ck up and chilled), and wanting to have the government raise any children we would have. So it was at that point in the text conversation that I lost it, told him to go to hell, said I was done with waiting for him to man up and be there for us, and that he could take his happy ass on to the next one. The really shitty thing about the whole deal is that he most likely ended up sleeping very well and I was curled up in a ball at one end of my couch, crying and asking God why this keeps happening to me. Why do I keep attracting guys that don’t want a future with ME? They will constantly say that they don’t want more children, don’t want to get married, aren’t emotionally available, blah blah blah…but what they really mean to say, and of course none of them have the guts to actually say, is they don’t want any of that with ME. I am the reason they aren’t ready to settle down: they would gladly, but I am not the one, I am not good enough, I am not what they want. And I was crying not over the fact that I lost the love of my life, but over the fact that nobody seems to want to love me the same way I love them. I give my all, would walk across broken/molten glass if they asked me to, but they are unwilling to give the same back. I was single for two years before I met him, and now I’m pretty sure I’m just going to remain so the rest of my life because I cannot put myself nor my son through getting close to someone again. And I do not, by any means, blame my son. Every guy I have dated knows that he is my top priority, and that if they don’t see themselves being a father to him they can keep stepping. But it’s not fair to him. He needs someone he can talk to about guy stuff, and someone who can help him handle becoming a man. I can do the absolute best I am able, but I know sometimes he wishes he had a real live daddy. I just don’t think that is in the cards for our little family. I never thought he was going to be my only child, I just pictured him being the first of two or three, but that doesn’t seem like it will ever happen. I suppose I should just resign myself to the fact that we are meant to be alone, but knowing/accepting that fact doesn’t make it hurt any less. In fact, I think knowing it makes it hurt more.


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