I wrote my first blog here on 01/16/2023. I can’t believe it’s almost been a full year! I accomplished so much in that time, but my primary victories this past year for my trans journey is that I started HRT and laser hair removal!!!

I can’t believe just how affirming it feels to have my brain working with more estrogen, instead of primarily on testosterone. I feel so much better these days! My dysphoria is much more manageable with HRT, and the physical, mental, and emotional changes I’m seeing so far are promising everything I wish had happened to me when I went through my first puberty. Also, don’t even get me started on how good it felt to start laser hair removal – I have never felt such a huge wave of relief as I have from feeling the absence of a part of my beard. I couldn’t imagine in my wildest dreams how good it would feel. I’ve got a long way to go with laser to get to where I want to be, and maybe even electrolysis after that, but I can definitely say that I will be burning the rest of my beard away in due time. Overall, I’ve just never been so excited to live my life as I am now!

With all that hindsight I have now, rereading my first blog post has me seeing how much of a low point I was at in that time. In it, I talked a lot about being frustrated with just not knowing exactly what I was, and being generally upset about my dysphoria and the confusing triggers I get from it. I still have those frustrations at times, but they’re definitely happening less – for as bad as I felt when I wrote that first blog, I’m glad that I came out through the other side and started transitioning. I’m not even a full year into starting HRT, but I know that it’s the third best decision I’ve ever made, beaten only by getting my vasectomy and pursuing a relationship with my wife.

The more I do to affirm myself, the more I realize the things I need to remove to really start answering that question, “What am I?”. Things like my beard, my standard hormone levels, all these things being removed/modified give way to actually allowing for other possibilities to take up space in my mind. I had to start building my road one brick at a time, rather than fixating how I was going to clear the distance overall.

I had wished in that first blog that I would “just [feel] like a woman and be done with it – at least I’d know that there’s some kind of goal I could work towards.” In hindsight, even though it was written in frustration, I feel like that was a very reductive place to put myself in. Of course I didn’t feel like a woman at the time – I’d spent 3 decades being taught how to feel, act, and pass as a man! With a brain that pumps thoughts and feelings primarily through a testosterone filter, no less. Talk about an uphill battle.

It caused me to agonize over my next steps – I heavily debated starting HRT. Appearing femininely in public was daunting, wondering constantly if it’d be worth the hassle of people’s stares, let alone a potential confrontation. I couldn’t bridge the gap to my next steps, from the place of just knowing I had a problem, to actively reaching the things that could help me resolve it. Luckily, I had an epiphany – I needed to remove the gender aspect of the whole debacle.

By completely taking out the “man” and “woman” qualifiers to my desires, I came to be able to fully appreciate that I needed HRT and to be more feminine overall to be able to fully live my life. I had to accept, without contention, that there should be no gendered aspect to treating your mental and physical well-being. To me, this is a similar struggle that many neuro-divergent people contend with before realizing their issues can be aided with medical help. HRT is helping me treat my body and brain with real self-care and love, that I could never do with the natural setup that it was given. Wearing makeup and feminine clothes practically daily is giving me a place mentally where my mind doesn’t have to fight with itself every minute (I will admit though, outside the house the feminine clothes are usually “boy-mode”, so I can be mostly androgynous. I’m wearing makeup outside regularly now, though!)

So, regardless if being acknowledged as a man instead of as a woman makes me or others uncomfortable, it will not change the fact that my transition is helping me live my life in the body I want to live in, for the first time in my life. I do prefer she / they pronouns now. I do like being regarded as feminine. I’ve wanted that my whole life, but my brain locked down any potential for me to acknowledge that or voice it, for a lot of reasons that can be summed up erroneously as “for your own good”, despite my obvious discomfort with my body and presentation. It took me hacking that system my brain set up to get to a space where I could just start taking baby steps towards fixing my problems. Once my internal debate was changed into an issue of my health, rather than identity, it became a moot point whatever I was regarded as by myself or others – it was, and will always be, more important to choose the options that keep me healthy. For me, that happens to be HRT and living as my more feminine self. Even if I get regarded as He still, it doesn’t matter to me right now – my health doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else or their perception of me.

Transitioning is hard, and I have yet to do some of the hardest parts of it. But, I know this – even if I have my identity disregarded, even if the rest of the world turns its back on me, it can not change the fact of what my transition so far has proven for me. My health is worth more than any gender label. I’m a baby trans, and I’m okay with no solid gender label right now. It’s okay to not know, or even to not choose.

I’m very grateful that I came to this site and started connecting with the LGBTribe – it’s a blessing, and I’m so happy to be here! Here’s to the rollercoaster ride of a new year!