An event has happened and something else in my life that I feel uncertain and not encouraged and hopeful.

when i was very young, grade 2, i stole the picture of a girl i liked off the teachers desk after picture day. it was a stupid thing to do, i tried to keep it as long as i could, but i felt guilty in the sense that i was somehow cheating whenever i looked at it. i was sure no one would like someone as mean as me, but some innate sense of loneliness and self loathing wanted to hold on to something at least. she was in my class again the year after and i crumpled her picture because i couldnt handle seeing her in the same class as me every day while knowing i had this childish little secret about her. it was like a fleck of dirt i couldnt wipe off my mind, and it just made me hate myself more than anything else. \”why did i do this? why am i keeping this? why am i so weird? she wouldnt want me to have this.
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