I don't have alot of time, So I thought I'd post this before I have to go again.
Alright…So here's how spending last night in a hotel room with some of my cousins (Alison, Rachel, and Natalie) Went…
so first off, After taking a quick shower, I was anxious about my sleeping wear, It was just a black veil brides tank top (long enough to cover the self-harm marks on my chest and stomach) and shorts (also long enough to cover the self-harm marks on my thighs)
Again, their bodies compared to mine were so perfect, Mine is flawed and fucked up covered i scars and fresh cuts.
so anyway Like I knew, They all wanted to talk and catch up and what not. So none of them slept, and I was pulled in the conversation, and at points asked some questions that made me go into a silent-anxiety attack because I didn't know how to answer, Not only that but whenever I'd try to speak it would be very quiet and I had to repeat myself, I just…whenever it comes to talking I can never find my voice y'know?
I also have to share a bed with Alison(there's only two beds in the room)and was SO anxious she'd somehow see my self-harm marks, or something…also I always take a dose of insulin at night, so I have to get my needles and what not, and took my other pills, I felt like such a FREAK, I knew they were looking over while I ave myself my shot
Having to prick my finger for fucking blood to make sure it was in order. not only that but my acid reflex killed me all night.
SO that's pretty much how that wet…Today was the big party, ALOT of family members came and when I first walked in I immediately had to basically run to the bathroom, Because I broke out into a major panic attack.
Again, compared to everyone else I was dressed different, and just plain DIFFERENT. I felt like they were all staring and whispering about me with such hate. I just sat in the back, watching everyone else having fun, and doing whatever they had going on at the party for the 80th anniversary and what not.
I was just a shaking leaf, when I was pulled in by my aunt sandie to join them, God I thought I was gonna die, and Brendon has been weird, not pervert-weird, but he'll just look at me, then look away or at the floor.
Am I THAT repulsive?
then one of the worst parts came, Eating. god…I felt like they WANTED me dead, they had so much food and deserts and just looking at all of it made me want to destroy it all.
I couldn't get out of eating, So I ate as little as possible then when they went back to talking, watching a video tribute they made for grandma and grandpa, I ran to the bathrooms and puked my guts out, which has it's effects afterwards especially in my throat, I thought I had burned holes in my stomach and throat.
So, hours and hours went on like this. and now we stopped back by the hotel to get our swimsuits and heading over to their house to spend more time there and the 'cousins' can go swimming, Idk what i'm gonna do, I CAN'T be seen in a swimsuit, My body is so repulsive, What if they see my self-harm marks?
I don't know if I can get out of it, or maybe just wear a shirt over it? Idk…and Idk if I should try to talk to Brendon or not…Damn it! these people are supposed to be my family and yet it's the LAST place I want to be…I want to run and never look back, God… I want this to be OVER!
I have to go, I'll let you know how the rest of this night turns out tomorrow probably…See ya.