It’s that time of year again, when the seasons are changing and the weather seems to be trying to cool off a bit. i know i’m not the only person who enjoys this, but i really do enjoy this time of year (Halloween approaching) with all the re-run movies on television, especially those connected with this season. i don’t mean to seem cheesy or whatever, but last night, when i was flipping through the channels, i saw ‘Hocus Pocus’ was on, so i stopped there…. It’s a silly movie, sure. And, i remember how my daughter used to enjoy watching it. i even checked the date it came out and it’s the same year she was born–i’d forgotten that. i realize times are gonna be tough, especially when the memories surface or when i’m dealing with Anthony. But, i have to fight through the pain and do my best to make sure Gabe’s being taken care of and safe. My daughter died in a way that no parent should ever have to learn about. i just cannot allow her to be forgotten or for her short life to have been in vain.
When i’m back in NC, i hope i can stick to my original plan for Shelby’s ‘going away party.’ So many times, already, i’ve second-guessed myself on even letting certain people know when i return or if/when the ‘party’ will be. It still hurts, obviously…. February 15th…. Oh well….i guess i have as many answers as i’m gonna get–unless i’m able to get something more from Anthony. i’m gonna have to figure out some way(s) to be able to move past this if i’m ever going to be able to truly help Gabe. i can’t help but feel a degree of hatred, since i know Anthony’s the one who initially helped her get started with the drugs, as well as the lying. If you wanna mess your own life up, that’s one thing. But, messing with someone else’s, especially the ‘one’ you continue to claim was THE one and whom you’ll never be able to truly get over, that’s a whole other ballgame. There should be special punishments for those types of people….But, then again, that’s my opinion. *sigh
Almost down to my final two weeks in Canada… Yep, anxiety is definitely on the rise and i’m starting my lists of things to do or get done before i leave. i continue to stress myself out, worrying over the solo-travel. i don’t doubt that i CAN do it. It’s just with my personal history with traveling and how things have played out these past six+ years, i can’t help it. i do plan to discuss this with my doctor on Tuesday, to see if there’s something more i can take or do before i head to the airport that morning. Between dealing with the crowds and power-hungry-idiots, it’s enough to push me a bit too far, if i can’t find a calm space. i’ll keep reminding myself about my breathing. i’ll keep trying to sway my attention off the bad and towards positive thoughts. i’ll also keep reminding myself of the reasons why i’m going and my hope to make a real difference. Will that be enough? Guess i won’t know til i try, right? woooooooooooossssssssssssssssssssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh