So, 9 months ago i found out i was pregnant.. Not too someone who i would of had a future with, to put it quite bluntly, he wanted nothing to do with me before i found out i was expecting and when i told him he still wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. I was not in a good position, i have severe depression, anxiety and have been dealing with these for the last 7 years. I wasn’t financially stable, my living arrangements weren’t suitable to raise a child. I did not have the family support to raise a child. So i was not in a good position as the only thing i wanted was to keep my baby. I decided to go through with an abortion, although i feel like it was my family and “friends” that steered me to that decision it was all very rational and not thought through. Yesterday, 05/09/2016, i was due to become a mother. I have felt empty and as though a piece of me is missing ever since i signed my childs life away. Its not something i deal with very easily. I can’t seem to come to terms with it. I don’t know why anyone would. I feel as though my depression is getting worse. Death has become such a fantasy to me now. Every day is a struggle, i wake up feeling as though its just another battle to survive. I want to wake up with enjoyment to fulfill my day. I really don’t know how i am ever meant to forgive myself for murdering my own child. I didn’t even give them a the chance of a life they deserved no less than any of us to live. I know that i wouldn’t of been able to give them the life they deserved, but i know i would have tried my utmost best too. I don’t know how my life would have turned out if i had kept my baby, but at times i honestly want nothing more than to be dead. Why should i have the right to live when i murdered my own child? It’s harsh, but its bluntly the reality of this. I did something so wrong that i believe i will never forgive myself for and now there will always be that part of me missing. I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to get help but i just don’t feel like anyone will ever understand what i’m going through. I’ve been through over 10 councillors, psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors and more and nothing seems to help. I’m so tired and exhausted of fighting this battle. I honestly want out.