So, 9 months ago i found out i was pregnant.. Not too someone who i would of had a future with, to put it quite bluntly, he wanted nothing to do with me before i found out i was expecting and when i told him he still wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. I was not in a good position, i have severe depression, anxiety and have been dealing with these for the last 7 years. I wasn’t financially stable, my living arrangements weren’t suitable to raise a child. I did not have the family support to raise a child. So i was not in a good position as the only thing i wanted was to keep my baby. I decided to go through with an abortion, although i feel like it was my family and “friends” that steered me to that decision it was all very rational and not thought through. Yesterday, 05/09/2016, i was due to become a mother. I have felt empty and as though a piece of me is missing ever since i signed my childs life away. Its not something i deal with very easily. I can’t seem to come to terms with it. I don’t know why anyone would. I feel as though my depression is getting worse. Death has become such a fantasy to me now. Every day is a struggle, i wake up feeling as though its just another battle to survive. I want to wake up with enjoyment to fulfill my day. I really don’t know how i am ever meant to forgive myself for murdering my own child. I didn’t even give them a the chance of a life they deserved no less than any of us to live. I know that i wouldn’t of been able to give them the life they deserved, but i know i would have tried my utmost best too. I don’t know how my life would have turned out if i had kept my baby, but at times i honestly want nothing more than to be dead. Why should i have the right to live when i murdered my own child? It’s harsh, but its bluntly the reality of this. I did something so wrong that i believe i will never forgive myself for and now there will always be that part of me missing. I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to get help but i just don’t feel like anyone will ever understand what i’m going through. I’ve been through over 10 councillors, psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors and more and nothing seems to help. I’m so tired and exhausted of fighting this battle. I honestly want out.
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I actually think you’re reaching. You have no way of knowing if this egg was viable or not. I remember reading somewhere that more than 1/2 of all pregnancies spontaneously abort before the host even knows she’s pregnant.
so yes, you were responsible for terminating a pregnancy. But no, you can’t take all responsibility for the fact that a properly functioning, perfectly healthy baby didn’t arrive. You have no way of knowing if that would have happened. It could have been a spina bifida baby with 3 hrs to live. It could have miscarried at 4 months. There are so many other ways that things could have gone wrong.
You’ve anthropomorphised something that was not yet the thing you are thinking it was. You didn’t kill a baby. You cracked an egg.
Depression does this to us. It takes one trajectory and takes it alllll the way to the end and then makes us culpable for destroying the planet. But we have to rein ourselves in. We have to say no, no this is romantic of me, I am not being objective, I am not being practical, I am daydreaming myself into this position.
You are romanticising this beyond all semblance of reality. You really are. Take a step back. Have a good cry, wash your face and carry on with life. No amount of crying is going to change what has happened, there is no sensible reason to throw your life away, that is just damage adding to damage and you hurting someone else’s child as some crazy act of vengeance.
You are somebody’s child too here: so you have certain obligations. 😛
there you go. Grumpy older woman speech. 🙂 you will have kids one day and it’ll be grand. And you’ll be alright. It was NOT your time to be a mother, if it had been you would have the child wouldn’t you. So it wasn’t your time. Let the universe take this one away.
I am sorry you are having these feelings. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. Bridgie101 is right on one point: you do not know what the pregnancy would have been if allowed to go full term. You could have miscarried. You could have had a still birth or your child could have died a crib death. Or you could have had horrible complications that would have resulted in you having to make this choice later on.
What’s done is done. The emotions you are feeling right now are normal and they show you are a loving and caring person. The kind of person who will be a good mother some day. As my chiropractor always tells me: your power is in the future, not the past.
You poor darling.
Have you heard of the Ten Commandments?
According to them, you have committed no crime, as abortion isn’t a law of the land criminal offense, and nor is it a criminal offense in God’s eyes, thus you have murdered no-one..
I believe that all of the things we do in life ultimately benefit us. I feel your pain though darling, and over the passage of time I pray your life becomes happier.