Well here I am again laying in an silent house watching my sweet 3 yr old princess snooze away…
First a back story about myself; high school cheerleading captain, honor roll, fairly popular but also had the “mean girl attidtude”. I got pregnant by a guy who I went to school with the start of our senior year. We didn’t talk… At all. I had our daughter and raised her for 18 months before he decided to come around. Instantly when he told me that he wanted to be a family, I broke off my one year relationship (a man I thought I was going to marry) and began the start of our family…..
Fast forward two years and here I am. Laying in bed wondering if I have enough energy to even fold the load of laudry I have in the dryer. He’s gone again. Not like I expect him to be here. It’s not much fun hanging around someone who doesn’t know weather she needs to laugh or cry or sleep. He’s never understood my highs and lows. Often times he likes to throw my struggles back in my face. I’m find myself wondering why I deal with it but I’m not strong enough right now to let it go. I know once I pull the last string on us we will be done for good and I can’t get myself mentally prepared for that.
Ive dealt with depression my whole life but lately I have found myself in some pretty dark places. I sleep way too much. The thought of even going to work makes me want to vomit. But I do. I know I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for my little princess. I can’t help but wonder why I feel this way. Nothing traumatic happened in my life. I work an amazing 9-5 job, I own my own car, I have a camper. We are working on buying a house. I have everything I have ever wanted. But why does it feel like there is something missing? Why can’t I stop crying? Why does every word anyone says to me cut me so deep?
I just want to feel normal again, but honestly I don’t think I would know what that even felt like anymore. What is normal?