Well here I am again laying in an silent house watching my sweet 3 yr old princess snooze away…

First a back story about myself; high school cheerleading captain, honor roll, fairly popular but also had the “mean girl attidtude”. I got pregnant by a guy who I went to school with the start of our senior year. We didn’t talk… At all. I had our daughter and raised her for 18 months before he decided to come around. Instantly when he told me that he wanted to be a family, I broke off my one year relationship (a man I thought I was going to marry) and began the start of our family…..

Fast forward two years and here I am. Laying in bed wondering if I have enough energy to even fold the load of laudry I have in the dryer. He’s gone again. Not like I expect him to be here. It’s not much fun hanging around someone who doesn’t know weather she needs to laugh or cry or sleep. He’s never understood my highs and lows. Often times he likes to throw my struggles back in my face. I’m find myself wondering why I deal with it but I’m not strong enough right now to let it go. I know once I pull the last string on us we will be done for good and I can’t get myself mentally prepared for that.

Ive dealt with depression my whole life but lately I have found myself in some pretty dark places. I sleep way too much. The thought of even going to work makes me want to vomit. But I do. I know I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for my little princess. I can’t help but wonder why I feel this way. Nothing traumatic happened in my life. I work an amazing 9-5 job, I own my own car, I have a camper. We are working on buying a house. I have everything I have ever wanted. But why does it feel like there is something missing? Why can’t I stop crying? Why does every word anyone says to me cut me so deep?

I just want to feel normal again, but honestly I don’t think I would know what that even felt like anymore. What is normal?

 

3 Comments
  1. sullengirl76 5 years ago

    I’m a mom to a wonderful 9 year old boy. The circumstances surrounding his conception and birth are different from yours, but the ways in which having that child dramatically changed my life are probably very similar. Having a child qualifies as a major change in one’s life and, whether the change is good or bad, it is a well-known fact that change can be stressful. So, while what you have been through isn’t “trauma” in the traditional sense of the word, it is still a serious change to your life. It is going to affect you – and it would affect you even if you had the best, most reliable and most loving support on the planet!

    I can relate to being confused about what to do with the relationship. I’ve been with my partner for more than 10 years now. His son adores him – even though he often neglects the boy in favor of hibernating in his Man Cave and escaping reality through video games. There are still many things about my partner that I love, and that keep me sticking around. But there are a growing number of things that leave me feeling empty inside. Like you, I know that if I pull on this last string that is binding us all together, the nice little nuclear family I’ve built will crumble at my feet. And like you, I know I am not ready to make that move yet. I am not even sure if I want to be ready.

    I agree with Newlease1… take care of YOU and make sure YOU are in the best health possible (both in body and mind/spirit). Be the best mom you can be to your little girl. When you are stronger, and when the time is right, you will know exactly what to do with your relationship.

    Feel free to message me anytime you need to bounce ideas off someone or just want to know there’s someone at the other end to hear you vent.

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      kimberlykay 5 years ago

      You probably have no idea how much a response meant to me. I have never reached out like this but I feel like my friends and family (who are really amazing) just do not understand. They don’t see why I feel the way I feel because to them I’m an above average “teen or young mom” stereotype. I work my butt off and pay for everything with no assistance. I know this is how it should be but often times younger mothers get a bad reputation about getting assistance. Which don’t get me wrong, it’s perfectly fine to be on assistance but I chose for my family to get education and work a job that will provide even being 21 with a 3 yr old.

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    kimberlykay 5 years ago

    Thank you so much!! I have never reached like this but I feel like I cannot win this battle alone. I am so confused and lost but like you said, I do need to focus on my daughter and she has always been the whole meaning of my life.

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