February has a lot of bitter days that leave me resentful and dreading when this months comes around. Monday was the 9th anniversary of my great grandmother’s passing. It leads to me remember the horrible feud that exploded amongst my estranged family. Being robbed of those first few hours of mourning and almost being unable to bury her. It makes me how different my family situation has changed so quickly. When I was once estranged from parts of my Dad’s side of the family now I’m completely estranged from everyone. The people I chose to be close with that were safe slowly became toxic.
On the 12th will be 2 years since an incident occurred that made me relapse back into a deep depression. I think that’s what makes this month a little more difficult is the fresher wounds. I’m better than I was but I don’t know how I’m going to feel. It took me so long for my post traumatic stress slowly dwindle down. The frequent nightmares are less each day. It’s a day where I got burned so bad by people who I thought cared. It triggered all my abandonment and trust issues. I stopped my life, the fears I have because of that day have made certain things so fearful. The idea of opening up to a new person is so anxiety inducing. Still I have to admit my loneliness which isn’t easy since I’ve adapted to being such an independent person.
I have to let myself feel what I’m going to feel while reminding myself that I’m okay. That I’ve made it this far and though not unscathed I can still make it.