ive never written a blog before…i guess im finally moving away from my visual diary and into the world of cyber space. yay *waves flag*

dont know if anyones gonna read this but ive noone to vent to currently (well anyone who has a remote understanding of anything) so im gonna vent to all u guys!

my medication was upped about a month ago and since then ive just felt numb, which is a lot better than feeling so shit i could hardly function. since last night ive been back to feeling like shit. i feel like i’ve fallen down a big dark hole and the dirt walls are starting to crumble and cave in on top of me. my chest and shoulders feel so heavy that they are going to collapse on me.

the worst part of the day is when i wake up. i just want to throw myself off a building then and there so i dont have to face the day. days are just getting harder and people are getting more difficult to be around.

the main thing ive realised lately is that people who say they care and people who show they care are a million miles apart. before now i always thought that when people said that they cared they actually did. pathetic naive little fucker i am. it just brings you crashing back down to earth real hard and real fast when u realise that the two most important and close friends u have are among the kind that say they care. within a year i feel ive lost my 2 best friends and a boyfriend. technically only 2 people but it feels like 3. i just feel like im completely alone now. i guess its the main reason i joined here. i cant fucking do this by myself. the people i have met have been amazing, i just wish that i could return the favour.

i just want to pack my shit and start again somewhere where noone knows me and noone is there to remind me of my life. especially somewhere where i can have a new beginning until people find out im like this.

i want to look into the future so i can see if im still going to be like this in 10,20,30 years time. cos i dont want to exist in a headspace like mine. i cant do it to my family though. i feel totally and utterly stuck in a place that i dont want to be. i love my family more than anything and could never do anything to hurt them.

i just hope that all the people that say they care instead of showing it wake up feeling so fucking bad one day that they want to throw themselves off a building and they try to find someone who cares and noone answers their cry. you dont realise the loyalty of people until the shit hits the fan in your life. this puts the world of relationships into a much clearer perspective.

i just feel so fucking isolated. i dont wanna fucking be here anymore. i never wanted to exist in the first place. i dont want to die, i just want to not exist.

i appologise for my rants and raves. i just needed to get some of this out.
take care anyone who has got this far.

laura xo