I try to not think about my life passing by.

Sometimes I do feel the air and me aging with every deep breath I take.

I live in Michigan and three years ago, at this time of the year the ground was covered in snow. Just two days ago, it was 63 degrees outside and no snow has fallen from the grey sky. I fear for global warming even though I rarely care for life itself. It’s a scary topic because you never know what the future might be like if the earth continues like this. All this makes me think of the future and what will happen to me.

I keep wondering if I will finally give up completely and commit suicide. A month from now, where would I stand?

It should scare me that I don’t have an answer. Today at school two friends of mine were talking about how next year at this time of the year they will be in a dorm and preparing for finals. They sounded excited while they were having this conversation and I was just walking silently with them. They know I haven’t applied to colleges and when they looked at me, they said “Well I don’t know where you are going.” I swear, they were staring at me like I was a failure.

When they both said that, all I could think about was why the fuck should they care. Mind you, they are those kinds of students who care so much about their gpa and a B- is like the lowest grade they ever had. I don’t know why their comment bothered me. I don’t know if I was mostly mad at myself because I haven’t applied to college or because I am indecisive in what I want to major. I really wanted to tell them to fuck off and mind their own business. They know me for less than two years and they think they know so much about me? They don’t know me. Perhaps I also felt envy because they have it so easy. I envy them because they never knew the struggles I had to go through. I envy them because they knew what they wanted to do with their lives. However that doesn’t give them the right to stare at me like I am a failure.

They don’t know that in seventh grade I started to battle with depression. They don’t know that in ninth grade my sister almost died because of an eating disorder. They don’t know that if I decided to not care about my studies was because I have never thought I would make it this far in life. They don’t know what is like to live with a person who battles with an eating disorder and depression. They don’t know what is like to stay up at night because you were at the hospital or the mere thought of life scared you. They don’t know that at some point I tried in school and I was one of the best. They don’t know that if I stopped caring was because I didn’t see the point in being Miss Perfect or following the rules of society.

So in all, people shouldn'tjudge others because they don’t know how far the other person has walked or what obstacles they have faced in life.

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