My head is still spinning… mania keeps my thoughts racing, and my body awake, but I get nothing done, and I my impulse control sucks. Told a friend some stuff I shouldn’t have, today. Just running my manic mouth. He was really cool about it, but I still feel like an idiot. Some thoughts… should just stay in our heads. I lose the ability to distinguish sometimes, and I get too honest about what I’m thinking. God, my mind just won’t stop racing around. I don’t know what I’m feeling from moment to moment – it’s so inconsistant. Charlie can still make me laugh and smile, when he pays attention to me. I have a friend I’ve been talking to every night who’s started to make me smile somewhat regularly (but just while we talk – since he’s too far away to actually hang out, we’re really only in each other’s lives when we chat. But, while we chat, I’m usually in a good place). So, I posted a couple more pix in my effort to overcome my body dysmorphia. I know I’m not as messed up looking as I think I am when I look in a mirror. For some reason, pictures don’t look as messed up to me as my reflection, but I still see me, so I don’t see a pretty girl. I know it’s my mind distorting my self perception. It is, isn’t it? People tell me I’m beautiful, but don’t nice people say that to everyone? I mean, I don’t, but I guess, I’m not as nice as some people.
I was just thinking about my ex who told me that he was the best thing that ever happened to me. I told him the best thing wouldn’t have left bruises on my arms. He said, "you bruise to easily, you should get more iron in your diet." People tried to get me back together with that guy. My parents tried to get me back together with that guy. Maybe, it was b/c he was from money. I didn’t care about that, but other people did. He just couldn’t believe I’d choose Charlie over him. He thought guys like him didn’t lose to guys like Charlie. (Dude was a prepster who’d always gotten everything he wanted, except women – the one thing his mommy couldn’t buy him, so he was possessive and hyper-controlling.) He told me I was making a huge mistake, getting together with Charlie. I was right to leave his dumbass. But, Charlie… that may have been a mistake, too.
No… even if he doesn’t want me, anymore, it was worth it. He loved me like no one else. And, I still love him. But, he hasn’t changed his tune about us. And, it’s been so long since he lost interest in sex. I’m getting weary trying to read into his behavior what he won’t put into words. Not even a "maybe," or "it’s possible." I don’t expect immediate forgiveness. Just, something… some sign… some hint… that I’m not just wasting my time, here. Because, if my happiness is (definitely) not going to be found here in this apartment, then I need to get out of here as soon as I can. Because, if he doesn’t want me again, this will all be such a painful waste of time and energy.
And, I’ve also been thinking about Star Wars, Star Trek, fruit smoothies (so expensive, but I LOVE THEM!), kicking (it’s a necessity, and Charlie keeps balking), the fact that I can make plans, but never keep them, how I haven’t talked to my sister in ages (she probably hears about my marriage troubles through my mom – ugh), how I miss my nephew, how I don’t know if Charlie will ever touch me again (and how every little touch means so much, right now), how if he ever does touch me, it’ll probably be ages from now, how we’re in two wars that they don’t talk much about on the news (even though they report on celeb break-ups), how so few people listen to Mason Jennings or Jeff Buckley (even though they are Gods of music), how I’m not getting my apartment any cleaner, or my play any closer to being done (I barely tinkered with it today – I tried, but I kept getting distracted), how Charlie goes back to work tomorrow (and I’m alone again), and about how I want everything to stop moving so fast, but don’t know how to stop, or start myself, or anything else. I feel so confused. I get real vulnerable when I’m like this. It’s easy for me to get hurt. It’s easy for me to get frustrated, and give up. And, my mind jumps around so quickly, there’s no telling where it might land. Lately, there have been a couple of times when everything just feels too tangled up and messy to deal with. It’s like, I’m hobbled, bleeding, and back on that empty street… a little more than a decade ago, and this time… I wonder if it’s worth it. If I should keep fighting, and dragging myself towards help… or, if it’s okay to give up… and, just lay down, and die. Because, I’ve already fought enough (more than anyone should have to), and I’m tired. My mind is racing, but I am so exhausted. In every possible way…