Ran out of one of my meds a couple days ago….a new one, that I am not crazy about, and I was having problems still while I was on it, but right now…today, yesterday…..I feel completely unstable. I am scared because I have to go to work tomorrow. My drug store actually had to order the med, it is so new. I am angry at myself for running out. I made a fool of myself at my parent's house today. right now i wish I could just curl up in someone's arms and fall asleep.

Again….I am nervous about work. I feel like I want to be in the safety of my own house with no demands put on me. I was thinking about calling work and lying and saying the drug store ran out of my meds and had to order them. I was soooooo grumpy at work Monday, mostly about 2 girls on our team being really pushy about taking the higher status roles. But it took 2 of them to do what I did mostly by myself a few weeks ago. My boss wanted me to learn how to do everything on truck day and I have. apparently she didn't like how slowly I moved the lift because she grabbed it from me and took over, but I can do it.

It is one of the other girl's last day tomorrow. I am crying just thinking about it. she is very likeable and someone who I felt I could confide just about anything in, and the same her with me. No one is left there like that right now. I have one person who did work with me who I could call, but she is a phoney and liar in other ways and I am uncomfortable calling her for that reason.

Much of THIS is because of lack of med….some due to my Daughter starting college and me driving her. some due to my parents driving me nuts. I am lucky to have a therapy appointment tomorrow and I plan on talking about my relationship to my parents and how I am not feeling the same around them as I used to. I called and the med is in, and I will go pick it up in a second. I just wonderr how long it will take it to "work" again…..and it really didn't seem to be working anyhow. I was having lots of stress, anxiety, deprression, maybe a little more energy, but so what.

Everything feels like such a struggle. I wish someone else would drive and get my meds. I had someone else to consult about my Daughter's issues. the lawnmower my Dad has tried to fix for years, didn't work AGAIN, but I think I might have goofed up in how I tried to start it. I hope I can get my photography ready in time for a show on Saturday…set up is Friday afternoon and my Daughter will be going too….I hope we are adjacent to each other but I should have asked and didn't.

I walked early with my neighbor and I really look forward to that now….it is kind of "groundind"…..I feel like I am really listened to, and I enjoy hearing everything that she is doing to. we may actually take a hike togetherr. that would be nice. I am scared about going to the drug store. I just want to stay home. I told my Daughter I would make waffles, but I am so tired and it takes forever to make one at a time. I think I will just have cereal and eggs tonight myself, that will save me the botherr of making my own….would rather have ceral anyhow.

I DID do dishes tonight….that is good. lawn is not mowed….laundry not done….bedroom not picked up…litter bo not done…..I would like to do or think one really positive thing before my head hits the pillow tonight. I don't know what, but I feel like I need something special. I have had 2 really horrible dreams since I ran out of the med…….I am almost afraid to sleep. I think with the new med, I don't remember my dreams as muchh.

I mentioned not wanting to spend as much time with my parents. I find that really frightening. I have always felt close to them, but that seems to be changing a little. I am getting older….they are getting older…..I am frightened, and I have relied on them too much emotionally and if I don't get what I expect, I crash, like I did today at their house.

Well…..to the drug store I go, then to make waffles, watch a bit of tv, go to bed and hope that tomorrow at work is ok. tomorrow I have the therapist as well as dropping my daughter off at school and picking her up later. It is the last day I have to worrk this week. also, I have something I really fear going on at work. we all have to be trained to use the cash register. At my store however, that role is very complicated because of coupons and sales and phonecalls and lack of assistance. I NEVER want to do it, and it goes along with my SS Disability that I shouldn't do it….it would make me worse, I am sure.

Well….off to the drug store and like I said, waffles, my dinner, tv and hopefully pleasant thoughts before a restful sleep and a GREAT day tomorrow.

Today really stunk. Thanks especially to a very special friend who helped the whole thing make more sense and kept me going.

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