I can't seem to get my head in order any longer. I need peace and solice but I can't find it here in this home. My thoughts are scrambled as eggs are and my happiness is gone. I just want out and to get away. Perhaps my own little corner of the world…I just need to be by myself. Meds aren't working and everything frustrates me. Will I ever find my way back to the happy person I once was. Noone understands me I have no one to talk to…I am all alone. My husband yells at me, he can't understand why I don't have the will to be like I was before. Can't understand why there is nothing I want to do why I won't/can't keep my house the way I once did. He can't understand why I feel so dead inside…I can't understand it either so how can I explain?

My son is a teenager and he hates me of course. He is going down the wrong fork in the road and I don't have it left in me to try to help him back…I tried for years without the help I really needed from his dad (my husband). All I heard was "he's a boy and boys do these things" Then when it just kept getting tougher and I just felt I had no longer have the fight in me I suppose he finally decided to take over. We are not one in the parenting ways with our son…hubby wants to save the child…continue to pick up the pieces for him and I want him to learn from his mistakes…but once again I am wrong in everyones eyes here at home. As a parent I know I am not suppose to give up but I have fought and fought for the past 4 years since the child was 12 and it just keeps getting worse I just can'tdo it anymore. I can't take the arguing and screaming and then I am the one once again in the wrong, I just can't do it anymore. I would rather hide in my room til the child is old enough to be on his own or get my own place where there is peace and solice…no worries no complaints and no yelling and most of all no confusion.

When my husband and I were first together I remember playing second fiddle to his buddies and doing everything he wanted but we never really did anything I wanted to do…now 20 some odd years later I am being played second fiddle again. I thought as a couple and parents we were suppose to work together but in our case it doesn't work…I am in the wrong…can't seem to do what he thinks is right.

The yelling and screaming is nothing new in my life…my mother used to do it all the time…put me down then tell another time "you can do whatever you put your mind too" only to put me down again. I had my daughter at 21 and she ended up taking her from me because she didn't think I was doing a good enough job with her…I was a good momma. Mom died when my daughter was 5 years old and I got her back a year laterand I thank God everyday for getting her back. When mom died it felt like someone had lifted 3 tons of bricks off my shoulders…I felt free for the first time in my life.

Life is harder then I truely ever imagined it could be. I just wanna feel loved and be happy again. I try so hard to look at my glass as half full still but when I look at it, it looks half empty….thats not the person I once was. I hate being crippled from all this insanity. I wanna turn the clocks back and try it all over again perhaps I can do something that would change the way I have become. I really need my own place…I really need peace and solice. When I tell my husband this he doesn;t understand. He thinks I want to run away…I don't want to run away…I just want to be on my own so that I can get my mind put back together it's in a million pieces now…and I can't think straight anymore. I just need him to understand me but how in the world can he understand me when I can't understand myself?

1 Comment
  1. Dancer 12 years ago

    ((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))

    What you have written is like reading about myself….

    made me cry…cos i have so wanted to put down my own troubles in a blog but cudnt find the words

    i can so relate to what you say…and i felt so ill in the end i had to take myself out of my situation and get a room ..so i could have that peace and solitude  and find comfort in trying to find the person i want and need to be..felt as though i was drowning and no one understood any of it….and yes it makes u feel so lost and alone..its like struggling to keep your head above water when your ship is sinking…and sometimes a big wave comes and gets ya…but how many times can you save yourself ….before you know you have to do something …

    you are not crazy ..believe me….i have been on a similar journey with my own family…they just dont understand me at all. This depression drives you to a point where you just cant do it anymore….You have to have me time….Yoga helps me to release all my negative thoughts through meditation…its worth a  try….

    here if u ever wanna chat

    take care x

     

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