I miss Jordan. He’s still in Europe.
Can’t seem to get moving on anything constructive, today.
Maybe, I’ll go out, soon, and get those pictures printed up for my porfolio.
I get so paranoid, sometimes. I worry, and I think the worst of people who don’t deserve as much. Think, suspect, wonder… whatever… I know, it’s not fair of me. And, I can never ask the questions that this crap brings to mind because I’m either way of base, and I am going to jack up my relationships even further, or because I’m not off base, and hearing unfortunate truths can be painful. This isn’t isolated to one person. Obviously, there are a number of questions I would ask Charlie, if I thought it would come to any good. But, I know if I rush him, I won’t hear anything good. I think he needs to feel things out, without delving in too deeply, conversationally, and if things seem to be rebounding, then, they rebound. At least, I think that’s how he’s thinking about it all. (That seems to be his way.) But, I really wouldn’t know.
"Hey man where can I go? It's too late to find holes in the ocean, I know
I said, man stay here a while
I'll never find safety in numbers here on the mile"
So much going on in my bewildered little mind…
At least Charlie’s being strong about the staying off smack. I think we both know that if we lose the ground we’ve gained, in that respect, we may never get it back. We could fall far and not end up getting up this time. That was nearly the case the last time we kicked – I was barely able to drag us through it. For the 1st four days, Charlie was nothing but an impediment, and he actually derailed a couple attempts before I put my foot down. Once I got hard and fast about what we were doing, he shut up, and stopped causing problems (reluctantly, and mostly out of guilt). By the fifth day he was thinking straight, and grateful. He said as much. We say so much to each other. We talk about so many things. But, we never talk about the things that matter most.
I just don’t think we’re there, yet.
There’s just so much that’s said, that you can’t unsay, and so much left unsaid that you end up wishing you let out – it’s hard to know when to open your mouth. Words can unravel a relationship in a matter of minutes. I had a nightmare, some time back, that I asked a good friend about something personal, and when he answered, our friendship unraveled in minutes. I know that wouldn’t really happen – not the part about our friendship ending, anyway.
"Say man, is this in the right?
I wanna heal cracks in the sidewalk and keep it alive
Sat down on the ground and i laid my head down to see
I closed up my eyes as the numbers went by
And that's when I started this dream
Son you're still young but your mind has grown old it
Now go tell your sister to show me her new magazines"
I’m just nuts, today. Yo-yoing up and down in my moods. I was shaky, but determined, earlier in the day, then I talked to Ace for a long time, and felt happier, and stronger. Now, after spending some time alone with my thoughts, I feel fairly paralyzed and full of dread. Trying to shake it…
I know some of what I am feeling is just the PTSD – the fearfulness, the anxiety that feels like some sort of paralysis, the lapses in my ability to fully trust (despite what I actually FEEL for or about someone, my mind will concoct a million reasons that they don’t really feel the same about me, as a friend, or why they couldn’t possibly, or that they will soon figure out what a waste of time I am, or how nuts I am, and I will be left with an empty place in my heart if I get too attached – I am not saying I BELIEVE these things. But, they certainly bounce around in my head. I just think so little of myself, sometimes, I guess, it’s hard for me to fathom that others would genuinely want to know me, and get close to me).
"Said man sit for a while
Son, he said, son, how you've only begun on the mile
I've been to the moon and the stars and the go
Now go tell your sis to stop playing with new machines" (The Silversun Pickups, "All the Go In Betweens")