Im going to try to write a mood blog, maybe because i feel so sh$ty.

A few weeks ago before i got kicked out of my dbt program someone said, "wanting things different than as they are is the cause to all suffering".

So, now I am accpeting things as "they are?"

Im not sure i know what that means. I mean on a technical level I do, but to sit passively and just accept? seems like more of an active thinking process, or i feel crappy without even thinking on the level of accpeting and not accepting things.

So.. accept

Accept that most of the time im home watching netlfix, Accpet that i dont have any legitimate friends, Accept that my mind needs a lot more "working on", yet i am eternally satisfied.

I need to develp my lexicon.

Writing this out sort of helps me.

I have an obsessive thinking process, someone at mclean told me Im trying really hard to control my mind

If you've read this far thanks for following my randoma and chaotic line of thinking, im going to try and contribute more and visit this site more, because.. it takes a tribe? or maybe there is a someone with a high i.q. on here that can help me out.

Also I went for ect 2 weeks ago for one treatment then i wimped out, im afraid of needles and you have to lay in bed with in iv in you for 6 hours everytime you go for atleast 4-6 treatments.

+my sister called the cops on me a few weeks ago( she doesnt live me with me) cuz she was worried, i guess she thought i was an existential threat to myself, anyway despite being a surprising experience i found some humor in it afterwards, i basically sat ony my stairs for  3 hours while i was interegated by some officers. They had to wait for some unit to come asses me and the whole thing was me trying my best to convince them i didnt need to go anywhere. In the end i won and they left and i had a sigh of relief. Anyway something that annoyed me, while we we're waiting one cop tried getting me to confess that i  was a danger to myself, one thing he said which i hear kinda often " i cant relate with you but i can sympathize with you"..? what good does that do me? I know when people say that they mean well but they can give me all the sympathy they want, its not going to change anything. Id rather someone understand me completley and not have any sympathy.

I guess i feel so alienated, even on this site. With intense co-morbid ocd/depression its hard to find out where to start i guess, or anyone else with a simular psychology or even what to do.

p.s. dont mind my typos