Tomorrow is my birthday. I've tried this entire month to become someone else than who I am. Be that person who loves their b day so much that they yell it from the rooftops to anyone who will listen. And then this past week hit. And the reality of the person that I am came to light. My mother lives 15 minutes away from me and hasn't spoken to me in 23 years. Has never met my children, never sent them a card, never seemed to care they exist. So I guess my overwhelming problem continues to be "mommy issues". I can't find a way to love myself when my own mother doesn't. If it wasn't for my children I wouldn't be here. Not to say that I'd off myself, rather I just wouldn't stick around in one place for too long. I could never abandon them the way I was. But other than my children the only person who seems to truly care that I exist on this planet is mygrandmother and once she's gone I'm afraid I will be even more lost. I'm married, to a good man, but I feel strongly that if I were not here it wouldn't affect his life. He'd find someone else to take the place as caregiver and move right on. He's told me if I left, or died, he would remarry. Now I'm not saying if I passed away I'd want him to mourn forever but I'd like to think he'd mourn for a while!
So this just continues to be one of the weeks of my life I hate the most. The lack of self worth that I continue to have, and theoverwheling growth of depression that surrounds that feeling continues to be too much for me. I feel myself pushing people away, getting nasty with people who don't necessarily deserve it. I'm so afraid of more disappointment that I make the walls around me even higher so that no one has the chance to hurt me. I try to live my life with this mantra of "keep your expectations low and you won't be disappointed".So if I can stick to that, and more so keep people away from me so that I don't have any expectations, then I should be ok, right? Well, it's Monday, my normal day off. And my husband mentioned in passing to me yesterday about how his truck didn't move all weekend. And he just called to ask me if I was going near the mall today because he still needed to get the perfume Iasked for before tomorrow so if I'm out I might as well get it. …..right… Soclearly I didn't rank enough for him to leave the house Saturday or Sunday, each of those days I was either working or out for several hours, to go and grab a bottle of perfume for my birthday. As a matter of fact my son is home and sick today and when I let him know that piece of information he immediately told me he wasn't feeling good either. Now, I know I married a narcissist, but I guess that's just getting old for me too. I seem to be surround by people who are what I refer to as one uppers. Whatever I might mention is wrong they tell me they have something worse. It bothers me so much that I make it a point to try not to do that. I try to be a good listener, and not commiserate. And I try to remember that for some people that's just how they know how to have a conversation with you. But it just contunually makes me feel like there's not a person out there whocares about my well being. And when by chance someone does seem to care, well then I just interpret that as fake. I know, I'm pretty screwed up . And honestly I don't know why I'm doing this right now except that I can't afford a therapist and I won't put my crap out on FB. So I guess I'm hoping for someone to see this and say hey, I feel the same way, hang in there. Or maybe I'll work through my issues by putting it out there in an anonymous forum. Either way something has to give. I need to go from damaged to mending.