Well I am now in the 19th day of this diagnosis and two days into my thirties, guess when they say the only constant in life is change they were right. I received my initial numbers and they were good, CD4 of 763 and viral load of 17800 but here I find myself struggling to make heads or tails of what I am feeling, one minute I will be fine then the next the wind will be knocked out of me when i realize that this is not a nightmare, there is no waking up from this, that this is my reality and I must try to find some peace in it and the meaning behind it. Then there are the moments of absolute serenity, when I realize that the biggest fear I had, of contracting this, is now a reality and that I am free from a fear that has dogged me most of my adult life. Then there is the fear, this comes at night, when the work of the day is done and I am alone, my mind quickly slips into the worst case scenario with the images emerging of the 1980's and those who struggled with the brutal effects of this disease without the benefits of the modern medicine we are so fortunate to have. I have never been a fan of riding rollercoasters but here I find myself on an emotional rollercoaster, one that I cannot escape. People tell me that it will be ok, that it could be worse etc…. and that just elicits anger, anger that this has happened, that I was stupid and did not use the common sense that God gave me and prevent this from happening, anger at the person who gave this to me, anger at God for allowing it to happen but the anger and self-loathing I feel toward myself is the most consuming. All I can do today is to put one foot in front of the other and hope that there is a purpose for this.