So sitting in my room, I now return here to write. I can't even tell you when the last time I was here, I haven't looked yet, but I am so bottled up with emotions and needed an output….
Boderline Personality Disorder, on meds for almost 4 years, went off 4 months ago, and I'm experience Life again. I am "feeling" my own emotions, instead of catering to everyone else, I am "accepting" my thoughts as my own and I"m "embracing" myself, for the first time in years.
Isn't this crazy? Shouldn't I experience this everyday…? Well I know you can, and I envy that, I'm jealous of it, I think about it, and it eats at me until I figure out the answer..it's all I dream about, what's the logic answer…gotta find the answer….damn damn….
I can sit here, in my bedroom, with my laptop and some Crystal Bowersox playing, and I'm not worrying about whats going on outside my door..I am taking 5 minutes damn it!…Why can't I have 5 minutes alone? Even on the toilet, kids walk in..no privacy at all…
It's called being a MOM…not the "Boderline Personality Disorder"…is what I tell myself!
I just spent $119..on make -up, socks, and undies…He doesn't know yet..feels good…but wait…a minute..I work over 40 hours a week, hard at a factory working swing shift..bringing in the same amount as you per week, sometimes more…so wait…why do I feel guilty over that..when you buy your beer every day or other..wait…that's my money I'll spend it the way I want!!
So finally why is this all going on, and why now I am so heavy on this Boderline Personality thing…well they lead me to believe I was Bipolar…I researched it, thought I fit it, believed it and eventually accepted it…Now I have to deal with that all over now that I am finally trying to accept Boderline..I wonder what is the difference, why did they not say that, so it's all in my head..maybe I just want to understand why I am me? What makes me me? and all the bad shit in my head, all the thoughts, are Normal???? Why do I feel so guity and ashamed that there must be an explanation for the reason I do what I do, or say what I say…a reason…well Mental Illnes is an easy target..explains it all away… this is why NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME…cause I don't understand myself…
and like I told you, I must always find a reason to every thought, every sentence, every move a person makes…therefore why wouldn't I believe I have to find a reason for me.